Spice Up Your Life!

’cause if there’s gonna be tears be­fore bed­time, make sure that they’re his

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He’s su­per se­cre­tive 1

If he’s gone from be­ing louder than some­one chomp­ing through a bag of Ket­tle Chips in the cin­ema to Mr Shy Guy in a mat­ter of weeks, he could be playing away.

‘This is of­ten how af­fairs come to light,’ says UKCP reg­is­tered psy­chother­a­pist Toby Ing­ham (to­by­ing­ham.com). ‘He might be plan­ning a sur­prise for you, but he also might be cheat­ing.’

And if de­mand­ing his phone pass­code ig­nites more drama than an episode of Hollyoaks, it’s even more likely that he has gone rogue.

He’s a clean freak 2

Is he in the shower all the time? Ei­ther he’s spon­sored by Ra­dox or he’s des­per­ately try­ing to scrub away the ev­i­dence of his, er, scrub­ber. ‘Pay at­ten­tion to your hunches,’ says Toby. ‘But try not to re­act too quickly.’ This also counts if he’s some­one who’s never worked the wash­ing ma­chine, but is now do­ing more spin cy­cles than you’d see at the Olympic velo­drome.

He’s sud­denly all 3 about the threads

Who doesn’t want a SS19 wardrobe re­fresh? But, se­ri­ously, if he’s sud­denly wear­ing more brands than Sel­fridges even stock, some­thing’s prob­a­bly amiss. Is there a chica-on-the­side who’s giv­ing your man a brand new look? ‘Ask, why now? Why these brands? Who put him onto them?’ says Toby. ‘Not ask­ing the ques­tions that are on your mind won’t mean they will go away.’ But, if she’s got de­cent taste, are you both­ered? Just kid­ding. There’s noth­ing worse than a well-dressed cheater. Hello, Mr Big. We mean you.

He’s tricer­atops 4 (AKA, re­ally horny)

You’d think a sex life drier than Nana’s home­made sponge would in­di­cate he’s get­ting his cheap thrills else­where. Wrong. Turns out, if his sex drive is sud­denly as un­con­trol­lable as a puppy then he is prob­a­bly over­com­pen­sat­ing. Big time. And prob­a­bly knack­ered. ‘Take it se­ri­ously,’ says Toby. ‘You don’t want any risks of in­fec­tion.’ And if he’s got new sex moves he’s ei­ther had 1-2-1 les­sons from some­one else or has been watch­ing porn. A lot of porn.

He’s ad­justed 5 the po­si­tion of the car seat

Has some­one been, Goldilocks style, sit­ting in your car seat? If it’s po­si­tion has moved, he might have been shut­tling his lon­g­legged side-piece back and forth. But for­get scrab­bling about with your iphone torch search­ing for any stray hairs when his back is turned. You’ll just waste your time, and rile up the Neigh­bour­hood Watch. In­stead, just ask him di­rectly.

‘Ask why the car seat has moved,’ says Toby. ‘You don’t have to be con­fronta­tional.’ Of course, if he’s ac­tu­ally an Uber driver, it’s prob­a­bly just a work thing. D’oh.

He’s us­ing new 6 phrases, in­nit?

What once was ‘good’, is now ‘lit’, and he’s ‘thirsty’ – but not for a drink. Who is he pick­ing up this try-hard new lingo from? It could be some­one at work – that’s where 30.7%* of men meet a fancy woman, ap­par­ently. ‘If it’s not like him to use this kind of lan­guage, ques­tion him,’ says Toby. ‘If you don’t be­lieve him, ask again.’ And if he has been dou­ble dip­ping in the com­pany ink, drop him. Stat.

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