Spice Up Your Life!
’cause if there’s gonna be tears before bedtime, make sure that they’re his
He’s super secretive 1
If he’s gone from being louder than someone chomping through a bag of Kettle Chips in the cinema to Mr Shy Guy in a matter of weeks, he could be playing away.
‘This is often how affairs come to light,’ says UKCP registered psychotherapist Toby Ingham (tobyingham.com). ‘He might be planning a surprise for you, but he also might be cheating.’
And if demanding his phone passcode ignites more drama than an episode of Hollyoaks, it’s even more likely that he has gone rogue.
He’s a clean freak 2
Is he in the shower all the time? Either he’s sponsored by Radox or he’s desperately trying to scrub away the evidence of his, er, scrubber. ‘Pay attention to your hunches,’ says Toby. ‘But try not to react too quickly.’ This also counts if he’s someone who’s never worked the washing machine, but is now doing more spin cycles than you’d see at the Olympic velodrome.
He’s suddenly all 3 about the threads
Who doesn’t want a SS19 wardrobe refresh? But, seriously, if he’s suddenly wearing more brands than Selfridges even stock, something’s probably amiss. Is there a chica-on-theside who’s giving your man a brand new look? ‘Ask, why now? Why these brands? Who put him onto them?’ says Toby. ‘Not asking the questions that are on your mind won’t mean they will go away.’ But, if she’s got decent taste, are you bothered? Just kidding. There’s nothing worse than a well-dressed cheater. Hello, Mr Big. We mean you.
He’s triceratops 4 (AKA, really horny)
You’d think a sex life drier than Nana’s homemade sponge would indicate he’s getting his cheap thrills elsewhere. Wrong. Turns out, if his sex drive is suddenly as uncontrollable as a puppy then he is probably overcompensating. Big time. And probably knackered. ‘Take it seriously,’ says Toby. ‘You don’t want any risks of infection.’ And if he’s got new sex moves he’s either had 1-2-1 lessons from someone else or has been watching porn. A lot of porn.
He’s adjusted 5 the position of the car seat
Has someone been, Goldilocks style, sitting in your car seat? If it’s position has moved, he might have been shuttling his longlegged side-piece back and forth. But forget scrabbling about with your iphone torch searching for any stray hairs when his back is turned. You’ll just waste your time, and rile up the Neighbourhood Watch. Instead, just ask him directly.
‘Ask why the car seat has moved,’ says Toby. ‘You don’t have to be confrontational.’ Of course, if he’s actually an Uber driver, it’s probably just a work thing. D’oh.
He’s using new 6 phrases, innit?
What once was ‘good’, is now ‘lit’, and he’s ‘thirsty’ – but not for a drink. Who is he picking up this try-hard new lingo from? It could be someone at work – that’s where 30.7%* of men meet a fancy woman, apparently. ‘If it’s not like him to use this kind of language, question him,’ says Toby. ‘If you don’t believe him, ask again.’ And if he has been double dipping in the company ink, drop him. Stat.