Any other business…

The curses of the modern world are myriad, but the greatest social ill of all is the engine management warning light. This amber harbinger of doom is a car-immobilising, MoT-failing scourge that makes a diesel particulate filter look as threatening as a basket of kittens.

Maybe they were a great idea on paper and are no doubt supported by statistical evidence (just like ‘smart’ motorways) but anyone with a car more than 15 years old is used to driving around with it permanently lit – except when it’s been reset for that MoT. If the EML isn’t on in a car you are thinking of buying, just scratch at the binnacle to remove the black gaffer tape they’ve stuck over it.

And here comes the most annoying irony. While on rare occasions the EML may signal an actual problem with your motor, far more frequently all it will tell you is that its own equipment for checking whether that motor is healthy is itself not healthy. Your engine is fine, but the sensor that tells you it is fine is faulty! It’s like being robbed by someone holding a bar of soap, insisting it’s a gun.

In the good old days you could rely on the water temp and oil pressure gauges – and your ears. That’s why nothing makes me long to go all luddite more than the wholly unnecessary intrusion of technology – except perhaps the wholly unnecessary intrusion of technology that does more harm than good. And bloody-mindedly refuses to accept that it can ever be wrong! The engine warning light has all the hubris and arrogance of Apple autocorrect as it changes ‘ill’ to ‘I’ll’ regardless of context. Be gone.