‘TO BE ALIVE IS TO GO THROUGH SUFFERING’
MODEL TURNED PSYCHOTHERAPIST MELINDA MESSENGER TELLS OK!’S JOSIE COPSON ABOUT HER DRAMATIC CHANGE OF CAREER
Posing on a couch wouldn’t have been unusual in the early days of former model Melinda Messenger’s career. Now, three decades on, it’s her clients who are perched on her couch, offloading their worries. That’s because the 48-year-old TV presenter has dramatically switched career direction to retrain as a transpersonal psychotherapist.
She was a success on TV, fronting shows like Cowboy Builders and the Health Lottery draws, when she decided to make the change. But as we join Melinda at our exclusive OK! photoshoot, there’s no doubting the passion she feels about her new career. She’s thoughtful, intelligent and inquisitive, and it’s abundantly clear there’s way more to her than her famous assets.
During our interview she explains how she underwent psychotherapy herself as part of her training and how it helped ‘unearth’ the real Melinda and caused her to reassess her life. ‘Sadly, going through the training, my life changed in lots of ways including my marriage of 20 years coming to an end,’ she says. Former husband Wayne Roberts is the father of her three children – Morgan, 19, Flynn, 17, and Evie, 15 – but despite their divorce in 2011, the couple’s relationship is now amicable.
Here, Melinda tells OK! why she’s happy to be single and wait for the right relationship, how her low self-esteem
affected her life and why becoming a glamour model in the late ’90s was a challenging experience…
When did you begin studying transpersonal psychotherapy?
I started back in 2011, and, in total, I’ve done five years. It’s very intense as it has involved having psychotherapy myself and it has led to a lot of changes so I’ve taken breaks along the way. My marriage ended after 20 years, which is quite common once you start embarking on this journey. So I had to juggle my studies with raising three children on my own. I’d invested in a business with Wayne and some friends and ended up having to liquidate the company. As a result,
I lost my home. I’ve since discovered my own value, and that’s led to a better relationship with money.
When will you fully qualify?
Next year. My hope is to get my masters degree next. It’s the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Most of my therapy work so far is voluntary, so it’s not financially rewarding, but it’s a passion. I’d rather do this than anything else.
What have you learnt about yourself? I’ve learnt a lot! I had a sense I wasn’t being who I truly am, but I didn’t know why. I’d made choices in my relationship
‘clients say: “you look like melinda messenger”’
and life that were out of alignment with who I am, so I couldn’t truly be happy. In one of my first therapy sessions they asked if I had good selfesteem. I thought mine was brilliant. In reality I had none. I had no intrinsic sense of self-value and therefore no boundaries. I was a people pleaser who would do anything at the expense of myself. I had no idea that I had needs, let alone how to meet them. That was a catalyst that changed a lot of things for me.
Were you ready for all this change? I had no idea of the depths I would be challenged and how I’d change, but it was ultimately rewarding. It stripped everything away, uncovered all the layers – upbringing, environment, society, schooling and friends. It’s a painful process because you lose all your defence mechanisms. For me, it’s the best gift you can have, because you find out who you truly are. I experienced the healing and now I want to share it with my clients. I understand what it’s like to feel so low you’re suicidal. It’s a terrifying and lonely place. But now I know there are ways out and I help clients realise that too. Something within their psyche needs to die, not them. They’ve lost hope, but as the therapist we hold the hope for them. I have hope for them.
Do your clients recognise you?
I have a handful of clients, and a couple have recognised me. They say: ‘You look like Melinda Messenger. Are you?’ But very quickly it’s completely irrelevant because it’s their space and I’m there for them. One client even said it helped him because he trusted me. There’s a parallel between this job and my media job because they’re both about people and making connections.
How long have you been having psychotherapy yourself?
I’ve done nine years and I speak to someone once a week. I love therapy. As a practitioner you always have to continue in therapy because you can be triggered by your clients’ issues. You have to keep yourself healthy.
What do your family and friends think of the change in you?
It’s challenging for them because as I change, they have to change how they are around me. I used to be overly accommodating. To make an omelette you have to break a few eggs!
How did the psychotherapy trigger the breakdown of your marriage to Wayne?
We identified that we couldn’t meet each other’s needs. We tried for a long time with everything, including counselling. But we realised it wasn’t right.
You then had a three-year relationship with ski instructor Warren Smith. How did you deal with that break-up?
I recognised the relationship wasn’t right and the old pattern would be to stay way too long in the hope that things would get better. It was a real test. What I’ve learnt through relationships is that I wanted to be rescued by someone and I had
to learn to rescue myself. All I wanted was a family, as I didn’t really have that growing up. I made poor decisions to get that.
You began dating Chris Harding after meeting him on 2018’s Stand Up To Cancer
First Dates special, but split this January. What happened?
There was no big argument, but it wasn’t right, so we did the sensible thing. We only dated for a few months and, of course, not everyone you date turns out to be a long-term partner. I’d far rather be single and wait for the right relationship, which has to be emotionally stable and with someone who understands himself. I have three teenage children, and they are my priority.
There were reports you ‘behaved appallingly’ during the break-up. How did you deal with that negative press?
It’s never nice to have something totally untrue written about you, particularly if it’s defamatory, but I understand why these things get said. It’s in the heat of a break up.
When you became a glamour model, how did you deal with the sudden fame?
It was terrifying! I went a bit crazy at the start, as I suddenly had this whole new life and I didn’t know how to handle it. Becoming famous, there is an illusion of being important but that’s just an illusion. We’re all exactly the same. It was confusing because people would treat me differently. As if I was somebody special, but I was the same as them.
What advice would you give your young self? The modelling was born out of a lack of selfesteem. I didn’t know it, but I was looking for validation. I wanted to be wanted. Getting my body out was the most basic way of feeling validated but it didn’t make me feel better. I used to look at pictures in the paper and think I looked awful. I thought people were printing
‘It’s healthy to care about and enjoy our appearance, but It doesn’t define us’
them as a joke at my expense. I didn’t do it for long because something didn’t feel right.
Do you feel like you were taken advantage of in that job?
I definitely had negative experiences that would fall into the ‘Me Too’ camp. I went along with it and didn’t question it because that’s the way it was. Now we’re raising awareness, challenging ideas and moving forward. As women, we know it’s healthy to care about and enjoy our appearance, but we know that it doesn’t define us.
Do your children ask you for advice? We talk about everything. We’re not afraid to have challenging chats on why people behave the way they do. They understand that to be alive is to go through suffering. It’s hard, but brilliant, raising three teenagers.
Would your kids like you to meet someone special?
They know I’m happy. In an ideal world, I’d love to meet someone and be with them for the rest of my life, but I have what’s important; my children, and meaningful work. I trust that the rest will fall into place at the right time.
What else are you working on? Apart from the psychotherapy, I’m also an ambassador for Harley Street Skin Clinic. STOCKISTS: CHI CHI WWW.CHICHICLOTHING.COM; DANIEL FOOTWEAR WWW.DANIELFOOTWEAR.COM; GODDIVA WWW.GODDIVA.CO.UK; HAWES & CURTIS WWW.HAWESANDCURTIS.CO.UK; LICENSED TO CHARM WWW.LICENSEDTOCHARM.COM; LINDY BOP WWW. LINDYBOP.CO.UK; NEW LOOK WWW.NEWLOOK.COM; PHASE EIGHT WWW.PHASE-EIGHT.COM, TED BAKER WWW.TEDBAKER.COM; VERY WWW.VERY.CO.UK; YOU MAWO WWW.YOUMAWO.COM.
VISIT WWW.HARLEYSTREETSKINCLINIC.COM. FOLLOW MELINDA ON INSTAGRAM AT @MELINDA.J.MESSENGER_/.
TWITTER.COM/JOSIECOPSON PHOTOGRAPHS BY LORNA ROACH ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHS BY GETTY IMAGES STYLING RACHEL GOLD-HILL HAIR AND MAKEUP GARY COCKERILL SET STYLING LEE FLUDE