GARETH THOMAS
AT HOME WITH HIS HUSBAND
ON LIVING WITH HIV
‘STEPHEN PULLED ME THROUGH AFTER I HIT ROCK BOTTOM’
The past fortnight has been overwhelming for ITV rugby World Cup pundit Gareth Thomas after he revealed for the first time that he is living with HIV. The former Welsh rugby captain completed an Ironman triathlon in Tenby, Wales, just hours after he courageously shared his story, and no one was cheering louder than his husband of three years, Stephen Williams Thomas.
As 45-year-old Gareth introduces teacher Stephen, 56, at their threebedroom farmhouse in Wales, they tell OK!: ‘It feels as though a weight has been lifted off our shoulders.’
Cruelly, it was when faced by a tabloid’s threat to report his HIV status that Gareth chose to take control and publicly disclose it himself, as well as filming a BBC documentary about his journey. And he says the response to his honesty has been positive, with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge among those publicly offering their support. The Duke of Sussex, though, prefers a more personal touch, calling Gareth directly! ‘I was telling Prince Harry, I want to be a living example of health and somebody who believes he can and will still do anything with HIV,’ he tells us, before chuckling at the surrealism of his royal name drop!
Prince Harry and Gareth are now set to work together to fight the stigma surrounding living with HIV, including the misconception it’s untreatable. In fact, the single tablet Gareth takes each morning is enough to suppress the virus, making it undetectable and untransmittable. Stephen does not have HIV.
No stranger to using his platform to pave the way for others, Gareth – who was previously married to childhood sweetheart Jemma Thomas – became the UK’S first openly gay rugby union player when he came out in 2009.
Here, as they pose together for their first shoot, Gareth and father-of-two Stephen open up about coming through the hard times together and their hopes of dispelling the myths of living with HIV…
‘no one has been more supportive than stephen’
Does it feel a relief now you’re no longer living in secrecy? Gareth:
Definitely, I think our relationship is unbreakable because of what we’ve been through, but now we can move forward freely and live without the pressure or the fear, with normality.
Stephen: It’s a massive weight off our shoulders now. We can just be ourselves and have a good life.
Have the reactions been wholly positive?
Gareth: Neither of us have come across a single person that has been negative. We live in the middle of nowhere and a woman drove past when I was out with the dog. She stopped, got out and gave me a hug. It’s been incredible.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and the Duke of Sussex have shown their support, too…
Stephen: That was surreal! We went for a walk and Gareth said: ‘Oh my God, I’ve just had a text off Prince Harry!’
Gareth: It said: ’Gareth, it’s Harry. Are you free to talk?’ [Jokingly] The first time in ages we have some ‘us’ time with the dog, and we were interrupted by Prince Harry of all people [laughs]!
You’ve said you and Harry plan to work together to raise awareness surrounding HIV… Gareth: Yes, it’s so exciting. He’s passionate about the legacy his mother left behind and he wants to carry that on. I totally forgot that I was talking to Prince Harry. I just felt like I was talking to somebody who had the same passion about doing something as I did.
Gareth, you said you had panic attacks and ‘dark thoughts’
when you were being blackmailed with your HIV status. How did you support him through that, Stephen?
Seeing Gareth at his darkest points, when people were threatening him, was heartbreaking. I never, ever want to see Gareth in that position again. I was trying to support him and hold him, but it was the most horrible time. I just thought, how can somebody put him in this position? It was horrendous.
Gareth: I’d try to hide how I was feeling because I didn’t want it to impact on my family and friends. But it becomes impossible when you start having panic attacks and you want to cry constantly. I’ve learned a lot about vulnerability and inner strength from Stephen.
Gareth, would you have been able to get through this without Stephen? Absolutely no way. He has been a beacon of light for me. When I was feeling really low, I always had Stephen to go home to, to talk to, to make me laugh and be there if I wanted to cry and not judge me. He was there at a time when I really needed him. We always say to each other: ‘We love each other, regardless. We’re together, forever, regardless.’ Stephen was the only reason I got through the dark times.
Stephen, were you apprehensive about the documentary going out?
I was very apprehensive because I was out of my comfort zone. I’ve lived a very private life up until now. I took this week off work, because I didn’t know what the reaction would be like. But a colleague at work phoned me today, and said: ‘You’ve got nothing to worry about. The feedback has been so positive.’
How did it feel greeting Gareth with his medal at the finish line of the Ironman triathlon?
The crowd was unbelievable, honestly. You didn’t even have to see Gareth coming round the corner, you just heard him. That weekend was so emotional. I don’t think I’ve got any tears left in my eyes!
Gareth: It doesn’t take much for him to cry [laughs]. But honestly, no one has been more supportive than Stephen. For him to be the first person I saw at the finish line was to show everyone that this is my husband who is HIV negative and has stood by me through really bad times. If anything, he deserves the cheers just as much as me.
When you first met, was telling Stephen you were HIV positive a difficult conversation to approach?
No conversation is difficult with Stephen. He doesn’t judge people. When I told Stephen, he didn’t know anything about HIV. But he trusted me and the conversation was very simple to have. I just wanted to make sure that he knew and understood everything fully. Stephen: I was one of the ignorant ones, to be honest. Even as Gareth was working on the documentary, I was learning things too. The stigma is changing. My parents are 82 and 83, and I had to explain to them over and over that Gareth takes medication, he’s 100 per cent fit, he’ll outlive us all.
Gareth, before your diagnosis, did you know that with treatment HIV can become undetectable and untransmittable?
Not at all. When I was first diagnosed, I assumed I was going to die. I had never heard of ‘undetectable = untransmittable’. And even when you first find that out it’s hard to believe because it’s re-educating yourself. And I still felt the shame that I had to live with HIV. I know now that the medical community consider diabetes to have a worse affect on your health than HIV.
How did you feel the moment you were diagnosed?
It was a shock, mainly because I felt so fit. I had gone for a routine check but I didn’t feel unwell at all. It can only be described as being hit by a train. All I could think about was that I was going to die, all I needed to
know was when. I thought about driving off a cliff. I went from the clinic where I had the test to the hospital and I was inconsolable. I was crying really loudly, out of control, so it took a while for them to be able to say that it’s not the death sentence I thought it would be. Then they talked me through options.
Was telling former partners difficult for you? It’s something you have to do. It’s giving a secret away when you are struggling to deal with it yourself, but it has to be done. If you have an HIV test, they can’t tell you when you contracted it. That’s why getting tested as regularly as possible is so important, along with your partners, too.
You’ve said that a journalist told your parents about your HIV status before you were able to. How did that feel? It was needless, horrible intrusion. Imagine the fear being told that by somebody they have never met in their life. I couldn’t reassure them that I was okay.
How does it feel to know you’ve taken that power back?
I don’t know if I should use this word, but I think I feel quite smug at the moment. It’s been such a long time that we’ve been bullied. I don’t want to gloat about it or say ‘we won’, because I wasn’t playing a game. But it’s a nice feeling.
Stephen: I am so proud of what Gareth’s done! I genuinely think it’s going to save people’s lives. Why do you think the stigma still exists for HIV where it doesn’t for other conditions?
I think because it’s shrouded by the ‘shame’ of sex. As British people, we don’t really talk about sex. Even though it’s something that everybody has done, is doing or will do. We still hold it as something that is shameful for us to discuss.
There’s been a huge increase in self-testing kits being ordered from the Terrence Higgins Trust since your announcement. How does it feel to know you’re making a difference already?
That’s amazing. I think people are afraid of testing positive, because they are afraid of what they imagine a positive HIV person would become. I’d like to think that doing the Ironman, I’ve shown people they don’t have to be fearful about it.
In your documentary, you explained you always get your routine biannual blood tests out of clinic hours and enter through a side door. Will you feel more comfortable attending hospital now?
Having HIV is something I have fully come to terms with now. So I think my days of baseball caps and side doors are over! I never thought I’d say that – that’s a huge step for me. Otherwise I’d be a hypocrite when I’m trying to empower people to be strong about living with HIV, or walking into a sexual health clinic.
How did you two meet?
Stephen: Gareth wanted to get involved in coaching kids, so we met through that. But he obviously saw a spark in my eye, and that was it [laughs]! I didn’t have a clue who he was, I don’t watch any sports. I took him on a date to Monmouth, and we were walking up
the street and all these people were looking. This guy came over and said: ’I’ve just got to shake your hand.’ I had no idea why!
Who proposed to whom? Stephen: We went to my brother and sister in law’s for Christmas dinner. He had left a present on my chair at the table, and there was a bracelet in it that said inside: ‘Will you marry me?’ And guess what? I cried! Gareth: He was crying for about ten minutes, I was like: ‘Can I have an answer please?’
What are your best memories from your wedding day?
Stephen: I came out at a very late age to my parents. They eventually came round to it and they love Gareth to bits. But then when Gareth proposed, I went and told my mum and dad. They said: ‘We’re so pleased for you but we think that’s a bit too much for us, with the wedding.’ But in the end, they actually came. My father said on the day: ‘I’m leaving this building a different person,’ and my mother said before she left: ‘I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!’
Gareth: All our photos are of Stephen crying. He cried that much, it could have been mistaken for a b **** y funeral!
Would you like to start a family together? Gareth: I think we’d both say no. We already have big families, and I’m so busy. Stephen: Our family has four legs, he snores and farts a lot. He’s a pain in the backside, but we love him. His name is Boyo!