VANESSA FELTZ ON BEING A GRANDMA
VANESSA FELTZ OPENS UP TO ok!’s CLARE FISHER ABOUT WHY SHE’S GRATEFUL FOR EVERY DAY AND HOW PROUD SHE IS OF DAUGHTER SASKIA
‘Just because we’re grandmas, doesn’t mean we’re put out to pasture’
It’s hard to imagine a closer mother/daughter bond than the one shared by Vanessa Feltz and Saskia Joss. The pair, who look remarkably like sisters with their long blonde hair, see each other every day and even finish one another’s sentences. So it’s little wonder that Vanessa is overcome with delight that ‘her baby’ Saskia, 30, is now a mother herself.
‘I can’t believe my baby has a baby,’ grins 57-year-old Vanessa as she ushers us into the north London home that Saskia shares with her husband, translator Marc Joss.
Vanessa was even invited to be one of Saskia’s birth partners when she and Marc welcomed their son Amiel, known to family as AJ, six months ago. ‘I couldn’t have been prouder of Saskia. It was such a privilege to be there at Amiel’s birth,’ says radio presenter and agony aunt Vanessa.
Saskia, who worked as a primary school teacher for eight years before training to become a child therapist during her pregnancy, knew what kind of parent she wanted to be. ‘We had made the decision before he was born not to put him down for the first three months of his life. We took the fourth trimester seriously by keeping him close to us, as well as co-sleeping and contact napping, you’re trying to recreate his experience of the womb. It’s very loud, cold and dry outside the womb for the baby so you’re trying to soften the blow of the transition as much as possible,’ explains Saskia.
Whether it’s down to this tactic or they’ve simply lucked out with a super-chilled baby, little Amiel is a complete delight during our shoot, smiling and cooing delightfully as he’s fussed over by his clearly besotted parents.
Here, Vanessa, Saskia and Marc open up to OK! about feeding struggles, balancing work and family life and plans for more children...
What kind of pregnancy did you have, Saskia?
I had terrible PGP [pelvic girdle pain, discomfort in the pelvic region] during pregnancy so when AJ was born I needed to rest as much as possible. We had made the decision before he was born not to put him down for the first three months of his life, it actually worked well as I co-slept and contact napped with him rather than trying to tidy the house or cook dinner. Vanessa: When I saw how she and Marc were with Amiel I regretted the fact that I was always trying to put my girls down for their naps.
Did you make a birthing plan?
Saskia: My mum always said that the women with a leather-bound plan are the ones who give birth in the waiting room, so no! In the end I was very pleased to give birth on a ward with any pain relief they would give me and I had a very easy, lovely time. I had an epidural and was sucking up all of the gas and air – I think I went through about three canisters!
Vanessa: It was an incredibly calm, beautiful experience and I couldn’t have been prouder of Saskia. I can’t believe my baby has a baby! It was such a privilege to be there at Amiel’s birth. Before the epidural went in, Saskia was just in gales of laughter!
How did you choose the name Amiel? Saskia: We wanted something unusual and came across Amiel, which means community of God, and it felt perfect. His middle name is Jeffrey after Marc’s late father. We call him AJ.
What kind of baby is he?
Saskia: We’re exceptionally lucky as Amiel is the most calm, chilled soul.
Marc: Most days he doesn’t cry at all.
Did you have an idea of the kind of parents you wanted to be?
Saskia: As I’ve recently qualified as a children’s art and play therapist, I’ve read a huge amount about children’s developmental psychology and how to help them be as secure and calm as they can be. There’s a massive mental health crisis at the moment for children in terms of depression and anxiety so we’re just trying to raise him with as much love as possible.
Have you come up against any judgement for your parenting choices?
Saskia: In my antenatal group, I once asked if somebody could hold Amiel while I put my shoes on and one girl did say: ‘Or you could just put him down...’ But everyone’s just trying to do their best, aren’t they?
Is Amiel still co-sleeping with you? Saskia: We actually transitioned him into his nursery two weeks ago which was, I think, much harder for us than for him!
Marc: We actually slept on the floor in his nursery for the first night!
How does he sleep now?
Saskia: I’d made the decision that I absolutely did not want to sleep train him but I think all mums reach the point where they need a full night’s sleep! My job is to look after him and to do that with some degree of sanity I need to have slept, but now he has moved into his beautiful nursery, we are getting longer stretches, which is working better for everyone. Maybe we were both waking each other up!
Do you have any help looking after Amiel? Marc: We’re so lucky that we can both work from home, so Amiel always has family around him. If Saskia needs to see a client then I, my sister-in-law Allegra, Vanessa, or my mum – who lives just around the corner – takes Amiel. We haven’t had to use any other child care yet. Saskia: My plan, and of course this might change, is to keep him solely with family until he starts nursery aged two.
Vanessa: I see Amiel at least once a day which I don’t think is enough!
Have you had any issues on your parenting journey?
Saskia: I really wanted to breastfeed and it never occurred to me that it might be an issue, so when I discovered I didn’t have any milk, I was crushed. But then I spoke to feeding expert Clare Byam-cook who made me realise that the situation wasn’t anything to do with me and the priority needed to be feeding Amiel rather than my feelings. So he’s always been formula fed. Vanessa: It would have been very easy for Saskia to let that experience devastate her, as feeding is such an emotive issue but she was incredibly mature and stoical about it. And have you ever seen a happier baby? Regardless of how he’s fed.
Have you had any other issues since his birth?
Marc: Amiel has suffered from quite severe reflux since he was five weeks old so we sought the advice of a wonderful paediatrician called Edward Douek. Luckily, although AJ was sick a lot, he didn’t seem to mind. He’s a chilled out guy!
Saskia: AJ was put on a special formula which is easier to keep down and we also started weaning him at four months just to get some extra calories in him.
Do you think that you’ll have any more children?
Vanessa: Yes!
Saskia: [Laughing] We’d love to but not for a while. At the moment we’re completely all consumed by the experience of looking after AJ. But Marc is an only child so if this is our complete family then we know that only children can be wonderful, too.
When did you start training to become a child therapist, Saskia?
While working as a primary school teacher I always felt that, with certain children, I was only scratching the surface and I wanted to be able to help them more. So I started a child therapy qualification in 2016 just after we got married. I use art – drawing, clay, painting – and play to help children express their emotions. I qualified the week I gave birth; I work from my therapy room in my garden!
When did you return to work after having Amiel?
I saw a client five weeks after giving birth but I’m incredibly lucky that my commute only involves walking outside to the garden! As Amiel gets older, I’ll see more clients. I was lucky to qualify in time to make my working week flexible and fit my clients in around AJ.
Vanessa: Can I just interject here and say how proud I am of Saskia for forging her way as a working mum? She’s changed her career to fit her changing circumstances and she’s now balancing a wonderful career with a wonderful home life. Saskia had a list of clients desperate for her time before she even qualified. And she’s doing such important work, helping troubled children.
Saskia: [To Vanessa] Well, you set us the most stonking example as a working single mum.
Do you think you’d ever go back to teaching, Saskia?
I don’t think so. It’s very different forging relationships with 30 children compared to the connection you create one on one.
What work do you do, Marc?
I’m a football translator and interpreter
– I speak French, Italian, Portuguese and Spanish, I translate football-related content into English and interpret for footballers and managers. Luckily, I work for myself from home so I can completely fit work around family life, too.
How do you balance work with being a hands-on grandparent, Vanessa?
I do two radio shows, write two columns and then twice a week I jump on the back of a motorbike to do the agony aunt segment on This Morning. Not bad for a grandma, eh?! Just because we’re grandmas, doesn’t mean we’re put out to pasture. I’m 57 – the same age as my mum was when she died – so I’m grateful for every experience and every day. Life is short.