How to ease exam stress
LAUREN TAYLOR reveals what to say (and not to say) to your child during their highly pressured exam period
TEENAGERS will start sitting GCSE and A-Level exams this week. It’s a tough time for them – and their parents or caregivers – particularly after two years of disrupted education and missing out on exam practice.
If your child seems seriously stressed about exams or is completely disinterested and going into them entirely unprepared, it can feel even tougher as a caregiver.
Dr Jane Gilmour, consultant clinical psychologist at Great Ormond Street Hospital and co-author of How to Have Incredible Conversations with Your Child and The Incredible Teenage Brain, says discussions about exams can be “really triggering” for some parents, “particularly if you always did well in exams, or perhaps you missed out on a life goal because of your academic results”.
Here, she explains how best to handle conversations with different types of teens – whether you have a late-crammer, one who’s too chilled about it, or a child who refuses to talk about exams at all.
If your teen is overstressed
As a rule, persistent reassurance – ie. saying ‘Don’t worry’ – never works with anxious children, says Dr Gilmour.
Instead, she says: “Convey the idea that exam results are not the most important thing in the world, but as a parent this means walking the walk as well as talking the talk.
“Avoid asking about a school test result as soon as they arrive back from school. Reward, in words and actions, non-academic and personal goals.”
For example, show you are pleased that they are looking after themselves, taking a break, doing exercise or seeing friends, during the exam period.
“This will communicate their value to you is not conditional on exam success,” she says. “Remind them that there is always a way back if exam results don’t go to plan. Your job as a parent (particularly for kids who tend to be over conscientious or perfectionist), is to keep perspective, when they have lost sight of it.”
If your teen is disengaged
Instead of saying, ‘just get on with it’, Dr Gilmour says firstly try and find out why they feel withdrawn and detached. Although it might seem to you like they don’t care, they’re probably feeling more than you realise.
“Emotions are particularly intense in the teenage years so they will need your support to think them through and articulate what’s underneath their disengagement.”
Make it a safe experience to tell you what’s happening, she advises.
“Be prepared to hear their answer without having a meltdown yourself. It’s important you stay calm, and let them know you will support them, whatever they tell you.”
If, for example, your child says they want to leave school early because they’re going to fail, she suggests repeat- ing it back (“So they know that they’ve been heard”), empathise with them (“This doesn’t mean you agree with them”) and then, and only then, move forward to problem solving.
Although you may have some non-negotiables, like sitting all exams, Dr Gilmour says: “Develop a plan – together – to get through the exam period, break it into small chunks. Timetable identifiable, small and attainable goals every day.
“After each goal has been achieved, celebrate it together and agree a small reward. It doesn’t have to be expensive or complicated, it could be playing a favourite song far too loud.”
If the reward is their idea, even better.
Agree to review and negotiate the next steps after their exams are over.
“Remind them that if the results are disappointing, you will work together and figure out another plan. Your response in this instance is a powerful message – you will support them through the tough times and there will be a way to move onwards and upwards.”
If your teen won’t talk Don’t ask, ‘Why won’t you open up?’ says Dr Gilmour. “This is a long game, and if your child has shut down, be patient and remember that every gentle and genuine attempt to connect will matter.”
Whatever they do tell you, let them know you’re glad they told you. It’s hard, as a parent to hear your child is having a hard time, but the more you can offer a warm, calm sorting space for their thoughts, the more likely they will come back to you time and time again, and you have the chance to help them figure it all out.
“Know that you are heard, even if your child doesn’t apparently respond. If you say, for example, that you have noticed they have been a bit down since revision [or exams] started, and just leave it out there, they may come back to it. But even if they don’t, your warmth and
Avoid asking about a school test result as soon as they arrive back from school