The Spy’s ru­mour fields are bar­ren.



The Spy is too old for all of this. When The Spy was young, a fort­night was two weeks and you called a plas­terer if there were huge cracks in the ceil­ing. If the cracks were in the sky, you called Doc­tor Who. If the cracks were caused by an ICBM, you called The Spy, and if The Spy couldn’t be both­ered, The Spy would call a plas­terer.

Things are dif­fer­ent now. When Fort­nite’s bat­tle royale bolt-on trig­gered Epic’s as­ton­ish­ing re­ver­sal of for­tune, it also fun­da­men­tally up­set the bal­ance of videogame ru­mour-mon­ger­ing. In the quiet month that fol­lows E3, all any­one’s talk­ing about is that bloody rocket and those bloody in­ter­di­men­sional cracks and that one per­son who mur­dered ev­ery­body by break­ing a big ramp.

It’s like pick­ing up a lan­d­line while some­body else is us­ing a dial-up mo­dem, some­thing The Spy is sadly old enough to re­mem­ber, but in­stead of hear­ing the screech of the in­for­ma­tion su­per­high­way you get 30 mil­lion teenagers shout­ing about ‘durr burg­ers’ or some­thing. The Spy asks for your pa­tience in this dif­fi­cult time.

Here’s some­thing to tide you over: you know Red Dead Redemption 2? The first one never came to the PC, so on pa­per there’s no rea­son to ques­tion Rockstar’s as­ser­tion that their lat­est cow­boy ad­ven­ture would ven­ture be­yond its home on con­soles. Then again, what does pa­per have to do with it? Grand Theft Auto V’s on­line mode made – and con­tin­ues to make – an ab­so­lutely ab­surd amount of money af­ter it came to PC, and The Spy’s mon­o­cle would fall all of the way out if Rockstar chose to leave those fat stacks on the ta­ble for this, their first new open world game in years.

Who’s this now, rid­ing to the res­cue? Why, it’s only LinkedIn – the so­cial net­work so bor­ing that you for­get that it ex­ists within mo­ments of clos­ing the tab! LinkedIn’s for­get­ta­bil­ity is a tremen­dous boon to The Spy, be­cause it means that peo­ple some­times write things there about their jobs and then for­get that they’ve writ­ten them: like the anony­mous Rockstar Leeds pro­gram­mer who listed, among other cred­its, their work on the PC ver­sion of Red Dead Redemption 2. Thanks, LinkedIn – The Spy’s mona­cle is safe!

This doesn’t mean that RDR 2 will come to the PC day-and-date with the con­soles, mind – but it does make its ar­rival on the plat­form one of the safer bets go­ing.

Still alive

Else­where, ques­tion marks gather around Dead Is­land 2. Sumo Digital’s zom­bie se­quel was an­nounced al­most four years ago, but has re­mained omi­nousle ab­sent from re­lease sched­ules. Lately, the sud­den ar­rival of a Dead Is­land- themed tower de­fence game for mo­bile raised con­cerns that the se­ries is more or less in the bin – or at least has gone to that par­tic­u­lar videogame bardo named ‘li­cens­ing op­por­tu­nity’.

Not so, claims the de­vel­op­ers! In­deed, they’ve gone and taken to the malev­o­lent jokes-and-shout­ing en­gine ‘Twit­ter’ to con­firm that Dead Is­land 2 is “still in de­vel­op­ment.” They’ll “share more at a later stage”. Here’s the thing, though, folks: this is a later stage. You last showed off mean­ing­ful footage of your game in 2014. Four years is for­ever in this busi­ness – half of the peo­ple get­ting ex­cited about sky cracks in Fort­nite weren’t even born back then. That’s an ex­ag­ger­a­tion: some were ba­bies. Spy out.

The Spy The Spy as­serts that no, it is the chil­dren who are wrong.

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