Playing a hunk in CrusaderKingsII.
Conquering Venice with the power of handsome in CRUSADER KINGS II
she agrees to double indemnity her husband with an exploding privy
There are a lot of ways to ‘break’ Crusader Kings. You can become an immortal warrior, a devil worshipper with magic powers, or the literal antichrist. But recently I discovered a new way: by being super hot.
I first noticed this while playing as a character who had both the ‘attractive’ and ‘strong’ traits. I was surprised how high an opinion boost this gave and, like any gaming veteran, I immediately thought “Can I minmax this?”
Step forward Hunk McManmeat, the sexiest man in Christendom. Hunk was created using the Ruler Designer DLC, which lets you design
a custom character, and ‘pay’ for traits with age. I give him ‘attractive’, ‘strong’ and ‘master seducer’, all of which makes him aged 69. I bring him down to 44 by making him wounded and stressed as well. He has no other talents, his stats are mediocre – how far can one man go on looks alone?
I decide to start Hunk in Venice because I find the phrase ‘Sexy Doge’ hilarious, and take up the hobby of all merchant republics; murdering other merchants for their trade assets. At this point the true power of Hunk’s smouldering good looks becomes apparent. Y’see, one of the things that governs whether someone will join in a murder plot is if they like the plotter, and women like Hunk. They really like Hunk. Soon my rival Domenico de Morosoni is dead.
It turns out this power can be enhanced even further. I invite half a dozen women to court. All six have a high plotting skill, and they’re all
single. Soon Hunk, despite being described as an ‘amateurish plotter’, is capable of assassinating anyone in the land with ease. Within a few months the last member of House Morosoni (a baby) is dead. There are lots of reasons to do a bit of child murder in CK2, but “because the guy who asked me to was really good looking” isn’t a common one. With the family line eliminated, several of its trading locations become mine.
If looks could kill
Eventually my irresistible force meets an immovable object, one Patrician Giovanni de Ziani. Ziani has a mammoth intrigue score which even my relentless killers can’t defeat. Worse still, his wife is a skilled spymistress, and in Crusader Kings, just like in real life, your spouse’s stats are added to your own. But his biggest asset is also his biggest liability. I go on a charm offensive with Lady Ziani. It’s all too much, and she agrees to Double Indemnity her husband with an exploding privy. At this point I realise my own wife, who has been surprisingly tolerant of my philandering ways, has died, so I make my annihilation of De Ziani complete by marrying his widow.
Hunk passes away aged 62. He never conquered any new lands, but he did amass enough wealth to buy all of Europe several times over. He wasn’t the best man, but he was the hottest piece of ass in Venice, and maybe that’s enough.
T’was beauty who killed the beast.
Crusader Kings is just an elaborate dating sim.