Don’t read this column unless you’re willing to shift a paradigm

Imagine for a moment that people spoke in real life as they do in the hyped-up tech-industry announcements we’ve grown used to. That the barista told you the latte you’re about to drink is unique, transformative, revolutionary. We’d stare at them oddly, wish them a lovely day, and move slowly away.

Yet in the bizarre world of tech marketing, that’s exactly what we all put up with every day.

At the risk of triggering your flight-or-fight instincts, allow me to share some giveaway words. Top of my list: leverage, and, in particular, leveraging. I’m not a language snob, angry at the verbifying of a noun; heck, I just used the word verbifying, so I have no pride. I’m angry because it’s so hackneyed, so over-used, that its sole remaining meaning is to act as a Danger Will Robinson red flag about the sentence that follows.

Similar emotions bubble within me whenever I see empower, immersive, revolutionary, innovative, seamless, next-level, disruptive and impactful, to the point where I should take the time to set up an Outlook rule that sends all emails containing these words to my spam folder. Sorry: I mean, create a unique, mind-blowing, paradigm-shifting AI algorithm that will revolutionise my day.

Let me give two real-world examples from products we review in this month’s magazine. One brand (and, in a cynical attempt to keep you reading, I won’t tell you which until the end of the column) says that its new product will “supercharge your everyday with advanced AI”. Another claims that its screen is “smooth beyond belief”. Indeed, this product allegedly “redefines the meaning of smooth”. I’ll let the Oxford Dictionary know, if you don’t mind informing Merriam-Webster?

By this point, I suspect you’re thinking I’m a grumpy, cantankerous git who needs to get a life. And in this you are correct. But admit it: you feel the same, right? When you read those words, your subconscious agrees with me, silently marking each one down as meaningless waffle.

The sad thing is, those words used to have meaning. We know something that’s truly “revolutionary” when we see it, because it comes along so rarely. In my experience, something is revolutionary not when a press release says so but when non-techie people talk to me about it. And that list of breakthrough products is tiny: ChatGPT alone in the past five years, I would suggest.

But my real message to the marketers is that it need not be this way. Here, for example, is how Intel describes the Core Ultra family on its product page: “New AI experiences, performance, and battery that lasts.” No hyperbole, no exaggeration, and straight to the point.

Not that Intel is immune to the lure of marketing-speak; on the same page, it claims its Arc GPU provides “immersive, high-realism gaming”, which doesn’t match my early experiences ( see p46). Then again, the line “a bit better than it was previously” doesn’t have quite the same punch.

But now for the moment you’ve been waiting for. The first product, ready to “supercharge your everyday”? Samsung’s Galaxy S24 Ultra, reviewed on p58. And that smooth-tongued nonsense describes the otherwise fine phone known as the OnePlus 12 ( see p60). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to transform myself in a radical, axis-bending transition. By which I mean, go and have a nice lie-down.