The right not to be judged
More and more women are choosing not to have children. But is that such a bad thing?
First comes love, then comes marriage, but what about the baby in the carriage? While we’re certainly not in the grip of a fertility crisis just yet, recent studies show that less women are having children than ever before.
In fact, according to investment management company Fidelity International, 64% of married couples in the UK say they don’t feel prepared for a child.
For over half of those couples, financial insecurity was the number one reason not to have a child.
Their research suggests that it can cost up to £155,100 to raise a child, perhaps revealing why even those whose household income exceeds the national average don’t always feel ready.
But not having children – either by choice or by circumstance – is no longer as unusual as it once was.
Fidelity International reports that in 1976, just one in 10 women over 40 had never had a child.
Since then, that figure has almost doubled.
But there are many other reasons apart from finances that women actively choose not to have children.
For an increasing number, it’s a matter of putting their career first, or simply the draw of non-conformism.
For many others, though, the decision not to reproduce boils down to being environmentally conscious.
The Uk-based organisation
Population Matters campaigns against population growth, which it says contributes to environmental degradation, resource depletion, poverty and inequality.
Emma Olif, a board member of Population Matters, says; ‘Having children, from a biological point of view, is probably one of the most selfish things you can do.
‘You’re stealing resources from others in order to perpetuate your
genes. My genes are fine, but the things I want to pass on are more intellectual.
‘I will have far more time to do that to a greater number of people if I don’t have children.’
While many people may see this as a rather harsh perspective, others do agree with Emma’s stance.
Alex Smith, a software developer in Suffolk, decided as a child not to create any more humans – his wife feels the same way.
At 41, he’s in a child-free minority, as most of his friends have started families.
‘Most people don’t think about the impact of having children,’ he says.
‘I would never tell anyone not to do it, but if the subject comes up in conversation, I would politely suggest considering having only one child.
‘We need to reverse population growth, and that’s certainly one good way to do it.’
But even if the decision not to have children is down to a personal choice, it’s often seen as going against our human instinct to reproduce.
Even today, the choice not to have children is sometimes considered as morally wrong, or even selfish.
Many women who actively choose not to have a child often feel they need to justify their choice, or even keep it a secret, for fear of judgement from others.
A new study published by Leslie Ashburn-nardo in the March 2017 issue of the journal Sex Roles
Many of us don’t think about the impact of having kids
revealed that when other people judge married couples who choose not to have children, they don’t just see what they’re doing as unusual, they see it as wrong.
‘They are morally outraged by these couples,’ Leslie says.
‘Married people who choose not to have children are viewed harshly because they are seen to be violating an expectation that is so strong.
‘It’s almost a cultural imperative – you must have children.
‘Couples who violate that norm suffer from backlash for doing so.’
Jody Day, author of Living The Life Unexpected, lists 50 ways ‘not to be a mother’ – a list that goes far beyond the issues of fertility.
‘The fetishisation of motherhood we see in modern day culture can be particularly detrimental for those living without children,’ she says.
‘Things like putting a photograph of your child as your Facebook profile picture and revolving your life around your role as a mother at the expense of your social life and your nonmothering identity.
‘I think remaining childless needs to be discussed in schools as part of sex education rather than giving young people the idea that becoming a parent is a ‘when’ rather than an ‘if’.
‘We need to de-stigmatise the way we look at adults without children so that whether you arrive at non-parenthood by choice or not, you are not considered to be in some way less ‘adult’ and even more ‘selfish’ than parents.’
She explains that couples who don’t have children are often referred to as ‘childless’, which has negative connotations – people assume if you’re ‘childless’, that you have fertility problems.
‘Instead, couples who have made the conscious choice not to have children should rather be referred to as ‘child-free’.’
Whatever the reason for not having children may be, research has shown that less and less women are choosing to become parents.
It may be down to a conscious decision to try and save the environment, not being able to afford a child, or simply a case of not wanting to follow that life path for whatever personal reason.
For some women, that ‘drive’ to become a mother is simply not there.
Perhaps in the past, that would have been seen as something unnatural and selfish. But perhaps in the future, this very important life decision will become less stigmatised and more ‘normal’.
Only time will tell.
For some, the drive to be a mum just isn’t there