Merry and bright Joss Walden, 31, from Guildford, found Christmas difficult…

Coming home for Christmas Day back in 2008, I felt anxious. Being treated as an in-patient for anorexia, I was allowed home to spend Christmas Day with my family.

Being an in-patient, you have no control over food and restriction, so getting home, it felt like my eating disorder would really sink its teeth in.

It would make me feel like I had to compensate for my time in hospital – it was like it was on loudspeaker.

And Christmas had a lot of fear food for me. I remember one Christmas, I really wanted to try a mince pie, knowing that I once enjoyed them.

But during the build-up and aftermath, I would have negative thoughts making me feel guilty and shameful for eating it.

It made me feel out of control, and I’d refuse to eat some festive foods so my anxiety would be quiet.

And then in the new year, there would be lots of diet talk which I found difficult.

I finished in-patient treatment in 2012 and went into quasi-recovery until

2017, living with anorexia until I was 26.

And my family provided amazing support. My parents

Cathy and Nick, both 64, kept boundaries so I could trust them with recovery.

‘Wait in the lounge,’ they’d say, so I couldn’t control how food was cooked. During Christmas, what helped me was taking the food aspect away. I’d do puzzles with family, go for walks to see the festive lights and do Christmas crafts with Mum.

And reclaiming those activities over the festive period made me secure. It’s what the ‘real’ Joss loved doing and I could look forward to it. My parents would just let me cry if I needed to. Often, I just wanted a hug, and when I felt calmer, I would try and talk about my feelings.

I also kept journals, where I could blurt out my feelings.

It’s important to talk about feelings – eating disorders feed off isolation. I was lucky my family provided such a safe space, although I know that isn’t the case for everyone, so reach out to Beat if you need support. Now, I’m an assistant psychologist supporting adults with eating disorders and I’m looking forward to Christmas this year. It’s my first Christmas engaged to my lovely fiancé Rob, 28 – and I can enjoy a mince pie or two.

Xmas doesn’t align with what the eating disorder wants which is why it’s so difficult.

You can get through it. Saying ‘no’ to the illness is scary but it is possible. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.