FINDING HAPPINESS
Natalee King, 33, had to find herself, after losing her husband…
Scrolling through Facebook back in 2011, an unfamiliar face stood out to me. Wow, he’s so attractive, I thought. So, I asked my friend who took the snap to introduce us.
At the time I was living and working on Yokota Air Base – a US military base in Japan – where I worked in vehicle operations for the Air Force.
The guy in the photo also worked on the base – like lots of my friends.
And finally, being introduced in a bar, it wasn’t long until I was infatuated.
John, then 19, was a tall country boy with bright blue eyes and from our first meeting, we were inseparable.
One of my favourite memories is when doing karaoke on a local Japanese radio station.
Singing Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show at the top of our lungs, we were young and carefree.
John was a port dog – in charge of loading up the planes – which meant our paths never really crossed at work.
Sometimes he would come into my workshop, and I would get butterflies every time.
A few months into our relationship, in September 2011, I fell pregnant.
Handing John the test, I waited for his reaction.
‘Everything is going to be OK,’ he beamed. ‘I’m excited! Let’s get married.’
Whirlwind romances and engagements are quite normal in the army – you never know when you’ll be deployed.
And on 28 November 2011, aged 19 and 22, we got married at the courthouse.
Afterwards, we headed to a hot pot restaurant.
The whole day was perfect. Deciding we wanted our child to be born in the States, we relocated to Joint Base Andrews – a base in Maryland.
On 19 June 2012 at around 2.30pm, we welcomed John James, now 11, into the world.
And watching John hold our little boy skin to skin for the first time, life was perfect.
And for the next few months, we existed in our baby bubble.
Navigating being new, young parents – it was an exciting time for us.
And on Sunday 17 February 2013, my mum Theresa, 65, came to stay with us. She was looking after John James while I had a lie-in and John worked.
Only, that morning we got a knock at the door.
‘John’s First Sergeant is here, and she needs to talk to you,’ Mum said, waking me up. Is John in trouble? I thought. ‘There was an accident involving John and he’s on his way to hospital – but he’s OK,’ the Sergeant said as I made my way downstairs. ‘We’re just waiting for more information and then you can visit him.’
‘OK,’ I said, but my mind was racing. Had John been injured? How serious was it?
Working on an army base was dangerous – I didn’t know if John had sprained something or lost a finger.
But as time went by, I was becoming more worried. Two hours went by without a word.
Stood by the kitchen window, Mum froze.
‘Oh my God, no Natalee, no,’ she screamed.
Jumping up, I saw what she was looking at.
Walking up the path, I saw the Sergeant, Commander and Chaplain wearing their blues – their formal dress.
I knew what it meant. John was dead.
I didn’t want to believe it. Finding out more, John had been crushed by a truck during a training exercise.
My knees buckled and collapsing to the floor, I was vomiting everywhere.
I couldn’t bring myself to see his body, but I didn’t want to stay in the house either.
The army put us up in a hotel, with Mum staying with me to look after John James.
Sleeping and crying all day, I couldn’t cope, and the base doctors prescribed me Xanax.
The next few weeks were a bit of a blur, but I remember John had two services to remember him – a military service at the base and another when he was buried at The National Cemetery in Florida.
We had a huge parade of trucks – so big the whole interstate had to be shut down.
And we played Old Crow Medicine Show, too.
Grieving so much, I just couldn’t move past it.
And I was taking more and more Xanax, finding new doctors to offer bigger prescriptions when my first
refused to serve me anymore.
‘I think you have a problem,’ he’d told me.
But Xanax made me feel numb, forget my grief and made the days go by faster.
And it became clear my life was spiralling.
For the next five years, I was hooked on Xanax, turning to crystal meth in 2015.
I’d been hanging around some friends who were addicts. And when one offered me meth, I took it – what else did I have to lose?
Mum and my dad Robin, 66, had to take over custody of
John James as I just wasn’t in the right headspace to be a mum anymore.
Living with Mum and Dad, I still got to see him, although they became his sole providers.
I’d go out on binges for days leaving him with my parents.
I’d been to rehab a few times, but it wasn’t long until I fell off the wagon again.
I knew I wanted to change, I knew I didn’t want to live my life this way – but I didn’t know how to stop.
High 24/7, I would get meth wherever I could.
I was lying and stealing from people who loved me.
I was so depressed I even tried to take my own life a couple of times.
In and out of jail for DUIS – I was losing my relationship with my son, too.
But I couldn’t stop. Then, in 2016, I got a random message on Facebook from a man called Justin, 32.
He had known John from school and had served in the military, too.
Could I take you out for something to eat? he asked me. Agreeing to meet him, I was so high on meth he soon had to take me back home.
Justin took me to my parents’ house, making sure I made it to the front door.
‘I’ve just come off seven years serving in the army, and I have the time to help her get clean,’ he said to my parents. They accepted Justin’s help. At first, I was quite violent and aggressive.
I didn’t want to feel anything and it made me lash out, smashing things in the house.
But at the same time, I knew I didn’t want to live like this – I wanted to be happy. Addiction had stolen so much from me.
And so, handing over all my pills, as hard as it was, I eventually accepted his help.
I wanted to be me, I wanted to be a mum to John James.
Justin was amazing, arriving at my parents’ every morning to make us a proper breakfast and take John James to school.
He really was so selfless. But it was a very chaotic start.
Adjusting to lesser dosages, I could become quite aggressive.
The withdrawals were horrendous – I remember crying and screaming. Justin never gave up on me. As time went by, I started feeling more like me again. I could think more clearly, I was present, I was OK.
John James was very young at the time, only a toddler, so I’m not sure he understood what was happening.
But he saw me shouting and screaming at the height of addiction, which I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for.
Spending time together over the course of a year, Justin and I fell head over heels in love.
He was gentle, kind and amazing with John James.
And I knew Mum and Dad approved – he had given so much time to our family and helped me so selflessly.
And a year later, when I was finally free from Xanax, I found out I was pregnant.
I knew it all had to stop. I couldn’t go back to drugs and risk harming my unborn child – they were a gift. I had a healthy pregnancy and on 10 September 2018, I gave birth to Jensen at 11.30am, weighing 7lb 6oz.
I felt thankful to my family. Finally, I could start anew after struggling for so long.
Getting clean meant I could be there for my boys.
John James and Jensen, five, are so close, too. We have such a positive family unit.
Meditation, ASMR and breathing exercises have been so helpful when I’m experiencing dark days.
It really helps me stay mentally strong.
And Mum and Justin are always by my side – they really did save my life.
I keep John’s memory alive. John James has an area in his room dedicated to his dad – with pictures from his time in the force and mementos.
We talk about him all the time, and Justin does, too.
He’s never denied me space to grieve.
When John died, I promised to remember him every day.
‘I love you,’ I’ll say out loud. ‘I hope to see you again one day.’
I will always love John, but I will always love Justin, too.
There is room in my heart for both and I know John would’ve wanted me to be happy.
Addiction stole so much of my life from me
● Follow Natalee on Tiktok @notnataleeking