WELCOME TO MY TIDY GROTTO

This shouldn’t really fill me with a sense of pride, but it does. My children are older and the magic and challenge of Christmas have changed considerably. This is due to the fact that I’m the only person down my road who has a tidy garage, which means there’s enough space to store Christmas surprises. Other dads near me are welcome to use the space to store the treats. It’s been a real grotto this year - with a fine selection of new bikes assembled, hidden under plastic sheeting.

It’s a sad day at the office when you're happy to show off how tidy your garage is. It must be time for a new hobby.

I gave up trying to learn the piano this year. I wanted to play groovy jazz piano like you sometimes hear at a wedding reception or in the lobby of a hotel. Nondescript background music. The piano was far too hard. I decided I would just have a new appreciation for anyone who can play.

I even attempted to learn a new language but nothing would stay in my head. I tried listening to it through my headphones while falling asleep so I could learn ‘by accident’. Still nothing. I also tried painting and drawing. The artist Grayson Perry said it was easy and that no drawings are bad.

Mine was. They looked like they'd been sketched by a six-year-old who couldn't decide whether he wanted to be left or right-handed. I need something as easy as tidying, but also impressive to talk about. Maybe I need to rent my services out as a garage tidier. Although then I’d miss the Christmas present hiding fun.