HOA president unable to calm callers

Dear Amy: I’m president of my Home Owners Association and generally enjoy the job in our 282-unit community.

I’ve noticed that since our area went on shelterin-place, I’ve received several calls where the homeowner was extremely agitated. Often, they begin the conversation at high volume and also halfway through their sentence.

I’m guessing that this agitation is coronavirusrelated and has little to do with what’s happening in our community.

I’m an engineer with poor people skills. Any suggestions on how I can calm down these callers?

— HOA Helper

Dear Helper: I appreciate your question and what you are trying to do for your community members.

During “normal” times, your engineering skills are probably an ideal fit when fulfilling your important function. Unfortunately, these times call upon all of us to practice new skills.

You would be wise to always keep in mind how anxious many people are right now, even if you are not. Anxiety has a way of scrambling the thought process, as well as magnifying problems until they can seem overwhelming.

Take a breath before you take a call. Listen without commenting or interrupting. Do not tell someone to “calm down” (this leads some people to believe that they are not being heard or understood). Your “listening posture” should be calm, affirmative and supportive: “I can tell you’re upset. I’m sorry this is happening. I know it’s hard.” When appropriate, you could ask, “How can I try to help you?”

Be honest in your responses. If a problem is well beyond your function as HOA president, you should say so. If appropriate, you could also ask people to follow up with an email, in order to have a written record.

I wonder if there is another person who might serve as a temporary “community ambassador.” You and this person could work as a team to keep residents informed.

You do not want to become the repository of community gossip or discord, but if it helps others for you to be something of a sounding board, you would be serving an important function. Think of this as mastering a different kind of engineering.

Dear Amy: I was with my man, “Travis,” for eight years. Travis was the love of my life. Our relationship ended due to his cheating and continuing in a relationship with another woman. Sadly, Travis has found himself using drugs and living a life of crime, so I guess breaking up was a blessing.

Recently, I found out that he is in prison. I wrote him a letter of support and also sent him a care package. I made it clear that I am coming from the perspective of friendship.

I am wondering if I am “too nice” to this guy? It really didn’t end well between us. Did I overdo it?

— Overly Caring Exgirlfriend

Dear Overly Caring: “Travis” does not sound like a good bet. All of his lesser qualities (the cheating, lying, etc.) are likely to be amplified in prison.

You are probably not the only woman who cares about Travis, and it might help you to assume that he has other pen pals.

It is kind of you to get in touch, but if your contact with him compels you to put the brakes on your own personal development, then you are basically incarcerating yourself along with him. That would not be good for you.

Dear Amy: Like thousands of others who have loved ones in nursing homes and health care facilities, we haven’t been able to see our 89-year-old mom since March.

She was in good health until January. She’s been back and forth between the hospital and rehab many times since then. She went from being mentally sharp to having trouble with a simple phone call.

Someone from the family was with her every day until the lockdown. This is a nightmare for us.

Well-meaning friends ask how mom is doing and then proceed to give advice and — worse — describe similar events leading up to their mothers’ deaths.

I’ve had to tell them to stop. I can’t talk about someone dying right now. I am grateful for their friendship, but I am worn out and heartsick.

— Please Stop

Dear Please: This is heartbreaking. Yes, please stop.

Copyright 2020 by Amy Dickinson

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

ARIES (March 21April 19) — Today is a 7 — Household issues require attention. Communication untangles a disagreement. Contribute to a miracle. Clean a mess or make repairs. Home improvement projects flourish.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) — Today is a 9 — Get the word out about what you’re up to. invite participation, share resources and make valuable connections. Learn what you need to know.

GEMINI (May 21June 20) — Today is an 8 — Communication, networking and planning lay the practical infrastructure for income growth. Collect testimonials of your work and share. Let people know what you can provide.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) — Today is a 9 — You’re especially powerful. Focus on practical priorities to advance a personal project. Imagine perfection. Pamper yourself to soothe sensitivities and reduce stress. You’ve got this.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — Today is a 7 — Finish old projects to clear space for what you’re imagining. File, sort and organize. Contemplate desired results and lay the groundwork. Meditate for clarity.

VIRGO (Aug. 23Sept. 22) — Today is a 7 — Friends are a big help. Connect to advance shared goals. Let others know what’s needed. Provide what you can. Share resources and support collaboration.