Order! Order!
The heat is on at the sailing club AGM
Any sailing club AGM is a heated affair, but this one was more heated than most. The thermostat in the club room was stuck on high, temperatures were reaching boiling point and the flowers placed on the committee table were already beginning to wilt.
And so to matters arising and the arising matter of the arising tempers as a result of the arising temperature. As one faction started making scurrilous, unfounded and highly plausible claims that it was all a conspiracy by the committee to get the meeting over quickly, another group of ‘troublemakers’ (the legal term for members who aren’t on the committee) gathered round the thermostat and started jabbing it.
At this point a member with an impressive file under his arm stood up and proclaimed that he was a Fellow of the Royal Institute of Something to do with Electricity. This pronouncement was unnecessary as the very act of actually standing up to say something at a sailing club AGM announces, in itself, that you are indeed a Fellow of Something, or some other qualified professional type. Others of the AGM standing-up variety include retired solicitors, retired barristers, parish councillors, who are by definition retired, and retired accountants. Untitled members sometimes stand up too, when they need a wee; it’s just a pity that some don’t.
In any case, the fellow who was a Fellow soon sat down with his impressive dossier when his wife hissed: “Shut up, you’ve been retired for 15 years.” By now, the flowers – daffodils, I think – were flagging fast. It was then that some bright spark, although not a Fellow, came up with the idea of opening the windows. So to Item 1.
Apologies for Absence: A highly competitive affair, as they present an opportunity to talk and underpin your connections to power. It nearly came to blows as several people argued over who was apologising for the very popular couple with the 60ft catamaran and villa in Spain, and was settled by a member who ‘claimed’ to have got a postcard from the Galapagos Islands where the wife had been nipped on the behind by an endangered giant feathered turtle.
I apologised too – for turning up; this was seconded by the entire room, minuted and ‘duly noted’, which is even worse. And as the petals began to fall from the flowers – narcissus, I think – the meeting was called to order to approve the Minutes of last year’s 84th AGM. These were speedily despatched while I nipped out briefly to antifoul my boat.
Matters Arising: A heated debate ensued about whether the thermostat was a Matter Arising, which it quite literally was, but it turns out it wasn’t.
Treasurer’s Report: Similar to the Spanish Inquisition. I never realised we had so many retired accountants. No mention of correlation between ‘miscellaneous expenses’ and the length of the 60ft catamaran named MissCellaneous. The Treasurer, much relieved, yanked the flowers – freesias, I think – from the vase and gulped all the water.
Election of officers: A popular gambit is to propose someone you hate, which is how I ended up on the committee for all of three weeks before an EGM decided I was not fit for high office. When the first nomination was announced I proposed him; he objected on the grounds it would blight his prospects; minuted. Similar objections when I tried to second anyone, so I resorted to thirding. My thirdings not minuted – an injustice.
Any Other Business: Three retired Fellows of the same Something stand up at once and start invoking the terms of Treaty of Versailles and ratification by Brussels (this was last year). Nevertheless all the retired silks are unanimous on one thing: that every matter raised required professional advice from the firm in which they remain partners. As to the faulty thermostat, the gavel came down just as it was mentioned, and the chair announced – well not the actual chair, but the person on it – that the committee had already appointed a contractor.
Mutterings that the catamaran owner’s wife isn’t in the Galapagos; catamaran owner may have to split it down the middle; woman bitten in the Galapagos likely to recover; turtle prognosis not so good – severe Botox poisoning.
As for the flowers – dead, I think – I was just about to propose a motion of thanks for them when a fight broke out.
‘It was all a conspiracy to get the meeting over quickly’