Martin Roberts

My home from home

Our columnist’s musings about touring

IN ONE OF those rather laughable twists of logic, my financial justification for owning a caravan has just gone west. I’m not saying the opportunity to enjoy cost-effective and brilliant family holidays was our number one reason for upgrading our van last year, but it was certainly in the top 10, along with the sense of freedom and closeness to the outdoors. Well, last month’s experience with green slime (if you remember, my van developed a thick layer of algae and lichen after being left out in the open over winter) prompted me to consider other options for winterising the van in future. A quick reverse up to my garage confirmed my fears – there is no way my van will fit inside a normal covered parking enclosure. My solution? Build a bespoke garage! Now, without cheating by looking, how tall do you think your van is? Say 6ft, or about 1.8m? Maybe 7ft, or 2.1m? Keep going, you’ll be amazed – I know I was. How about 8ft, or 2.4m? Well, by the time you allow for rooflights and aerials, my van measured just under 9ft – that’s 2.7m! I really need to start looking out for low bridges. As for the length? Yes, we went for a large van to accommodate me, the wife, two kids, three dogs, two guinea pigs and 100 stick insects, but when you measure it, the front end could be in one time zone and the back in another. I reckon it’s 30-33ft, or 9-10m. So I’m staring at a bit of the garden where the kids used to enjoy trampolining, thinking about constructing something 3m high at the bottom eaves and 10m long. Do you have any idea how massive such a building would be? Well, the neighbours do now – discussions over the garden fence have become a little heated of late. Although I think “Blocking out all the light from our patio” was overdramatic, I do have some sympathy for “Utterly destroying the view from our downstairs windows.” And as for the ‘bargain’ of owning a van: the material costs alone of building a new home for it came to £4261, not including a contingency sum for the out-of-court settlement with the neighbours. I guess a bottle of caravan cleaner and a trip to the jet wash would be a more sensible option.

Visit Martin’s website www.martinroberts.co.uk for information about him, his books and his property training weekends, and follow his adventures on Twitter @Tvmartinroberts