Porsche 924

Noddy the 924 is knocked sideways by sudden assault

The Porsche 924. Arriving in a cloud of testosterone and tyre smoke, it’s a car for thrusting types in nylon turtlenecks who like to bother fish at beauty spots with their scuba apparatus, conveniently fitting under the 924’s glass hatch. Well, that’s the impression I got from watching contemporary commercials, anyway.

I really need to work on the Action Man lifestyle, though: festering under a tree in Bognor Regis, my 924 is plastered in guano amidst the stench of despair and hasn’t legitimately turned a wheel since last year (PC, Spring 2019). Having got the car beached on the lawn (don’t ask), I tried to bar the engine over in gear and discovered that it had spitefully found a way to seize itself solid, plunging the project to a new low.

Not only that, having purged all moistness from the passenger-side footwell by welding-up the big hole in the battery tray, both sides have also decided to create competing water parks with rapids, flumes and teashops. Oh, how I’m living the Porsche dream. No, it’s all my own fault, of course – I should be reported to Social Services and the 924 taken into care.

I acquired Noddy from a local college’s Motor Vehicle Department where I’ve worked, in a swap for some diagnostic equipment – thereby breaking the unwritten rule of trying to commit to the Queen’s Highway an ex-college car once fingered by students. Not knowing what bored/tired/hungry teenagers had hit, over/ under-torqued, cross-threaded, wedged Skittles into, accidentally removed, dropped in grit, mislaid and incorrectly reinstalled, I decided that the only way to avoid disappointment involving velocity, Armco and a bothersome fireball followed by grisly death was to systematically overhaul the brakes, steering and suspension. Optimism gone mad

In applying the psychology of kidding oneself it’s all going to be fine in the end, it was necessary to focus on peripheral and inconsequential wins. So, when renewing the master cylinder seals, brake discs and bearings, overhauling the calipers and replacing the naff rubber in the de-rusted and painted wishbones with some more-easilysourced polyurethane, I diligently ignored the fact that the underside is still suffering from severe ramp-rash. Some top-hat section and the sill flanges have been mashed by carelessness, giving the passenger floor the serious hump. Not something the MOT tester can overlook. But the main thing I’ve been ignoring is the engine. The seized engine. The engine that

‘The underside is still suffering from severe ramp-rash’

blew its head gasket prior to being donated for educational advancement.

I’ve since plied the thing with XCP Green One, which is truly a wonder elixir, and after rocking the car in gear, the crankshaft now turns freely. But the fuel tank is still skanky, there are lots of distressed/ mismatched fasteners in the engine bay, and I have no idea whether the second marriage of cylinder head and block was a joyous union or whether it’ll all end in acrimonious and expensive divorce.

A whole new perspective

Of course, the most sensible solution is to introduce a diesel engine such as the six-cylinder VW LT van unit, or an Audi five-cylinder, but both are scarce, high-value items, exceeding the car’s worth. So, it’s back to the Audi 100 petrol engine.

I put procrastination on the back burner and spent two days playing vehicular Tetris to get the 924 in the workshop and on its side to make a larger target for my attentions. After trawling the internet, ebay and Euro Car Parts’ substantial discounts in an attempt to avoid the greedy and downright rude, I have most of the bits to make the car roadworthy and reliable. This includes new tyres, cambelt kit, water pump and other service items, so it’s just a question of knuckling down and not taking anything for granted.

For instance, one of the coolant hoses is swollen, its removal disgorging much rusty detritus, so the rad will need a quick pickle and flush I’d guess. I’ll add that to the ever-growing list. In the meantime, it’s probably important to clean the cam cover, isn’t it?