THEO GILLAM
1993 Nissan Micra ‘Chic’
TECH SPEC Engine 1235cc/4-cyl/ohc Power 60bhp@5600rpm Torque 69lb ft@3200rpm Gearbox 5-speed manual 0-60mph 14sec Top speed 89mph Fuel economy 32.3mpg
A 1951 Jowett Javelin. A 1973 Reliant Regal.
And a 1980 Porsche 924. Just some of the vehicles I acquired with the sole intention of participating in Practical Classics road trips. And failed. The 924 is currently upended in my workshop, its fuel tank stinking like a secret room at Porton Down, while it should be having its paintwork buffed and a tin of Chum slid into the glovebox.
The longer I pick at its bottom, the longer the to-do list becomes. None of the jobs are big, expensive or scary, there are just so many to do. No matter how loud I play Squarepusher or shout ‘let’s do this thing’, it ends in paralysis by analysis.
So, welcome to Muffy (the Saltire Slayer), the automotive equivalent of a fridge. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t set my loins aflame. The closest thing to a Nissan Micra I’ve driven was when I learnt to drive in a Datsun Cherry (I think) in Chandler’s Ford way back in 1982, under the cigarette haze and steadying hand of Mrs Crook. And even then, as a greasy-fingered Plant Apprentice, I remember protesting that I wasn’t allowed to drive my Morris Oxford.
This all sounds as if I’m being terribly ungrateful for her, especially at £200, she is the means for me to perambulate the highlands and lowlands north of the border. Nor am I being ungrateful to PC reader Mark Tester for facilitating its purchase, or disrespectful to Barbara Skinner from Brockham, Surrey, who owned Muffy from 2006 until a few months ago when she gave up driving.
The thing is, in perfecting transportation for the nuclear family, the Japanese strained out all the character, leaving bean curd; high in protein, low in flavour. But there’s a philosophy that mechanical ‘character’ is nothing but shortcomings or inadequacies, so to have removed all character leaves, well, reliability. Cars don’t get better than this Nissan Micra, then.
Muffy’s radiator grille thirsts for paint and the offside headlamp needs a cataract operation, but other than that, the Micra is Scotland-ready. It has five forward speeds, a working heater, and a new battery. I’m hoping, therefore, it’ll be the ultimate road-trip vehicle. I just hope its heater doesn’t fail, turning it into that larder-fridge I’ve likened it to.