BANG GOES THE QUEERY
We put all those LGBT stereotypes to the test
Many myths about gay men and lesbians fester in the school yard and can go on to become solid beliefs in later life. However, I’m sure many of you, like me, have fun playing with ridiculous stereotypical ideas about gay people to get a laugh and prove we can joke about our own sexuality. Just the other day I found myself with my hands on my hips camping it up to a straight colleague going, “I don’t really get football. I just like the bit where they swap shirts at the end. I’m thinking of releasing a compilation DVD called Shirtlifters!”
A psychologist could probably have a field day with why I found it necessary to stereotype myself in this way. Still at least I managed to finish yet another sentence with a punch line.
It does make you think though... is there really any truth in any of these stereotypes about lesbians and gays? Being the cutting-edge investigative journalist I am, I set out with a group of friends to confirm or debunk as many gay myths as we can think of around my home town of Torquay. A sort of Gay Myth Busters.
14:00 HOURS. THE THROW AND CATCH CHALLENGE
We meet on the main beach, Torre Abbey Sands, at low tide for a game of rounders. The plan is to test the theory that gay people can’t throw or catch and aren’t actually very good at sport in general. Our group is pretty much a 50/50 split of gays and lesbians and we are soon having lots of fun playing on the famous red sand in the bank holiday sunshine. We’re only playing with a tennis ball and the game doesn’t actually involve much coordination, but everyone seems quite good at both batting (for both sides) and fielding... that is, until one wild swing leads to the ball connecting with the head of an octogenarian lady innocently eating her fish and chips on the steps to the beach. Despite our apologies, her husband gets quite angry and throws our ball in the sea. He has a very gay throw...
VERDICT: INCONCLUSIVE. BUT CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK, PLEASE?
14:25 HOURS. THE QUICHE CHALLENGE
Apparently gay men are good at cooking quiche. With this in mind, I asked all of the gay gays in our group to cook one and bring it down to the beach for lunch. On inspecting the three entries, I’m fairly suspicious that they all might have been shopbought and one might have even come from Iceland. I think the whole sorry experiment says more about my calibre of friends, several of whom only watch The Great British Bake Off because they fancy Paul Hollywood.
VERDICT: INCONCLUSIVE. BUT WAITROSE MAKE THE BEST SHOP-BOUGHT QUICHE.
15:15 HOURS. THE LESBIAN STEREOTYPE SURVEY
Having filled up on quiche, it’s time to check the results of an online lesbian survey I set up on Facebook. I’m friends with a large number of gay people on the social networking site (most of whom I’ve never met) after organising Pride in Torbay for three years. And now I’ve found a use for all of these contacts. I asked 100 lesbians a series of questions and learnt a whopping 67% own a cat, 41% have seen Pink in concert, but only 9% are members of a women’s book club. About 30% are in jobs stereotypically associated with lesbians (prison warden, bouncer, bus driver, PE teacher) while a staggering 84% of people have moved in with a new partner “far too soon after meeting them”.
VERDICT: MIXED. BUT KEEP THE REMOVAL TRUCK TICKING OVER.
15:40 HOURS. THE LESBIAN POOL CHALLENGE
Sticking with the lesbians, we decide to find out if they really are all good at playing pool. We head into a great “straight” pub called the Devon Arms which is run by a lovely Bristolian couple we know – Spencer and Nikki. Believe it or not, the only gay bar in Torquay with a pool table doesn’t let women in. I’m actually hoping a coach load of butch lesbians will turn up one day blasting out “Here Come The Girls” through a boom box and reclaim it.
Three of the gays take on three of the lesbians and the final results are 3-2 to the guys. Spencer the landlord then suggests we play something called Killer Pool. Everyone in the pub puts in a quid and we all get three lives. You can pot any colour ball on your go to stay in and the winner is the last person standing. Remarkably considering we are in a fairly “sporty” bar with its own darts and pool team, I actually win and get all of the money. It would seem that drinking Black Sambuca is like spinach to my Popeye. We leave fast before I’m asked to buy a round.
VERDICT: WELL AND TRULY BUSTED. AND APPARENTLY I’VE JOINED THE PUB POOL TEAM.
16:00. THE GAY JUKEBOX
As a bit of an unexpected bonus, the landlord makes the jukebox free for the afternoon. Soon everything from Donna Summer to Britney and various songs from the Priscilla soundtrack are blasting out. Even the indie-loving gay in our midst sneaks in the Cake cover of I Will Survive. There definitely seems to be a gay sound and everyone in the packed pub loves it!
VERDICT: CONCLUSIVE. AND WE CAN’T WAIT FOR KARAOKE NIGHT.
16:15 HOURS. THE CHECK YOUR NAILS CHALLENGE
Outside the pub I ask everyone to check their finger nails. The theory is that straight men turn their hands and bend their fingers to check their nails, while gay men just hold their hands out in front of them to examine their perfectly manicured cuticles. The theory is well and truly busted. I then tell one of the group he has toilet paper stuck to his foot. When he bends back his leg and looks over his shoulder to check, I go “Hello Sailor.” Try it… it works every time. I don’t have the balls to go and ask a random selection of men with one earring in their right ear if they are a homo… even after the Sambuca I’m not that suicidal.
VERDICT: BUSTED. BUT WE ALL SEEM TO HAVE A VERY SUCCESSFUL MOISTURISING ROUTINE.
16:30 HOURS. THE DANCE CHALLENGE.
Apparently gay men and black men can all dance. I know this not to be the case from personal experience and avoid dance floors (and indeed karaoke mics) like the plague they are. To test the theory we head down to The Golden Palms amusement arcades to have a go on the dance machine. I’m not sure if any of the guys can actually dance (none of the scores are that high) but lubricated by those shots it turns into quite a camp spectacle and we almost certainly make the weekend of a hen party from Newport who decide they want to join us for the rest of the weekend. We make our excuses as they start saying things like “We love gay guys…”
VERDICT: BUSTED. LOTS OF PROFESSIONAL DANCERS MAY BE GAY, BUT NONE OF US WILL EVER BE PROFESSIONAL DANCERS!
17:00 HOURS. THE GAY PARADE
As the weather is so beautiful (well, this is the English Riviera) we grab an alfresco spot at a café called Below Decks on the harbour. The theory is that we can watch gay men trolling past and check out their dress sense. Apparently, the gays are all stylish… well, until all those annoying metrosexuals came along and confused everything. Supping pints of Bays (the local ale) we do spot a plethora of perambulating poofs. They all seem to be of a certain age and style though… as if they have just stepped off an early 80s cruise ship in various pastel hues. We decide this might not be the best spot to make a balanced judgement and decide to turn around and stare at the blond and tanned yachty totty youths climbing into dinghies from the nearby slipway.
VERDICT: BUSTED. BUT THE LOCAL BRANCH OF DEBENHAMS IS STILL SHIFTING IMPRESSIVE AMOUNTS OF FARRAH TROUSERS.
17:30 HOURS. THE GAY STEREOTYPE SURVEY
I borrow the wifi from a nearby Harvester and check the results of the gay male survey I set up on Facebook. An incredibly low number (around 14%) are in
“It turns into quite a camp spectacle and we almost certainly make the weekend of a hen party from Newport”
stereotypical jobs (hairdresser, professional dancer, actor, trolley dolly) although the results might be quite different if I’d surveyed gays near Gatwick. 68% didn’t consider themselves to have noticeably generous expendable incomes, while 52% admitted to being promiscuous. Only 32% have seen Kylie, Gaga or Madonna live, although to be fair not many divas ever make it south of Glastonbury. 18% regularly wear make-up, and 78% moisturise.
VERDICT: MIXED. BUT DEBENHAMS IS ALSO DOING WELL FROM MOISTURISER SALES.
18:00 HOURS. THE INTERIOR DECORATION CHALLENGE
Apparently gay people are all wonderfully creative when it comes to home design, although the interiors of many provincial gay bars would suggest otherwise. With this challenge we could have gone around several gay properties in the area to review them (we even have one building dubbed Handbag Heights due to the large number of gay people living there) but we didn’t want to upset anyone and be blacklisted from all those ‘little soirées.’ Then one of our group has a bright idea – let’s review the background interior decoration of a selection of British porn films.
And so we find ourselves on an outside table at Soho, Torquay’s best new gay-owned and gay-friendly bar and bistro, viewing adult movies through a shared phone. Mellowed by the booze, we are soon providing what we consider to be a wonderfully witty/ catty commentary on everything from the furniture to the wallpaper, both of which would make an East-Enders set designer envious. Basically all of the settings are atrocious, although if it came down to it, the bears would come above the twinks. And indeed in one scene they did. My comment of the entire session concerned one of the porn stars who looked like he might have a sun bed addiction: “It’s not just the sofa that belongs in Land of Leather.”
VERDICT: BUSTED. BUT THEN AGAIN, MOST GAY PEOPLE DON’T LIVE ON A PORN SET.
19:00 HOURS – 24:00 HOURS. THE DRINKING AND SMOKING TOO MUCH CHALLENGE
We decide to abandon our highly scientific day of myth busting as the quaffing of cocktails begins. Everything is very hazy, but we do manage to conclusively prove that gay people really can’t say “no.”
VERDICT: CONCLUSIVE. OUCH!