Secrets of a happy marriage
We all have those little gems of relationship advice for anyone getting hitched. Here, bestselling author Cathy Kelly shares what she’s learned over the years
From loading the dishwasher to weekend breaks, author Cathy Kelly offers guidance on how to achieve a harmonious union
‘During the long, hot summer of 1976, I can recall sitting on my front step with a friend, talking about whether we’d marry. We were innocent 10-year-olds, and decided that it might be nice.
Brought up on the high romance of the Brontës and epic historical novels, I thought real love meant plate-smashing passion. And for many years, my artistic boyfriends were all high drama.
Then I met John. We met as friends, via friends, and he was nothing like any man I’d dated in the past. He wasn’t the Heathcliff to my Cathy. He didn’t write poetry or music. Instead, he was a businessman, who didn’t do high drama. And yet, as I went on to discover, this was a marvellous stroke of luck.
I was 44 when John and I actually got married, and we did so in a register office, with our seven-year-old twin sons, Dylan and Murray, in attendance. We came home to a drinks party in our house, and had dinner that night with 90 friends. We didn’t ask for copperbottomed saucepans or Nespressos: we had all the stuff we needed, and as a honeymoon, the four of us – me, John and the boys – went together.
In the seven years since, I’ve found that modern relationships are so much more complex than the fantasy ones of my teenage years, and I‘ve tried to put that wisdom down on the pages of my latest novel, Secrets Of A Happy
Marriage (Orion, £14.99; out 9 March). Here’s what I’ve learned…
DO YOUR OWN THING
My husband loves golf, and goes off on many happy golfing holidays with his pals. He goes mahogany in the sun, while I shiver in the cold. He phones to say he misses me, but always has a good time. Far from begrudging him these holidays, I’m thrilled for him. He’s older than me, retired, and has worked hard for years. He deserves this.
What’s more, I am only too happy to do my own thing, too. I recently went to Paris with my darling friend, Kelly, and had the most glorious fun. We giggled like teenagers and there was nobody there to turn into stone at the words, “I think I’ll just run through the knicker department again…” My husband, who would only enter a shop if he was hiding from a Tyrannosaurus Rex, was happy that I was happy – if a little anxious over the state of the credit card bill.
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S FOIBLES
I load the dishwasher like burglars load the getaway car after a robbery, but John has a system. Early on in our relationship, I’d find myself getting frustrated at the way he rearranged my hastily flung-in dishes. Now, I smile and leave him to it. He manages to fit in far more than I ever could. Since I cook, letting him sort out the dishwasher seems like a fair division of labour.
Talking of labour – men find shopping hard work, while to us women, it’s generally fun. See my vast collection of, er, slimming black trousers, for example. I also buy books like Imelda Marcos buys shoes. He no longer gives me the “but that many?” look when I say, defensively, “I need them for work.” Nor does he mind when they litter the floor on my side of the bed. I’m an organisedchaos sort of person. He is a minimalist.
Next time you simmer with rage about his hopelessness at buying you presents, work out if there’s any teeny thing you do that might be driving him nuts. If so, decide – like a grown-up woman – to compromise. This means learning to ignore his harmless foibles. Plus, you can point out that he needs to do the same with yours!
LEARN YOUR ARGUING STYLE
I think there’s only room for one high-drama person in any relationship. I am that person. John is the one who says, “Be calm.” This is like throwing nitroglycerine on a fire. “Calm?” I shriek. Now I understand that it’s his reaction to my cortisol level hitting the ceiling.
On an intellectual level, I know that women have often been allowed to be more emotional than men while growing up. We’re allowed to cry, to let fear out. Men less so. Which is why in times of crisis, your man will not want to talk to his closest friend on their mobile for two hours while cooking dinner, overseeing a child’s homework and sobbing intermittently, going over every detail. He will let his pal take him
to the pub and they will talk about golf/ football/cars. This is male bonding.
Now I know how to handle the situation. Instead of blowing up, I’ve learned to leave the room and have a lovely argument with myself – the best arguments are with yourself, aren’t they? Once I’ve done this, I can go back to him and we can talk. This is progress.
BE KIND TO EACH OTHER
This sounds so easy, but actually it can be a hard thing to do. Life is stressful. Money worries and family worries all add up. You can snap at him, then he can snap at you and, before you know it, a minor irritation has turned into the Cold War with nobody talking. Does this help the state of world peace, or your relationship? No. I find that a hug goes a long way. Simple kindness.
WE COMPLETE OURSELVES
Long before John, I was a newspaper agony aunt for five years, and received many letters from women lamenting that their partners didn’t understand them. “He’s from Mars” was the subtext in every letter. I tried to explain how people from Mars speak Martian and that Human Women needed to learn Martian, and not keep wishing they’d married psychics. “We need to explain what we want…” I wrote, heroically. Then I’d go home to the man of the moment and sulk because he didn’t understand what I needed. Physician heal thyself!
But here’s the bit I never picked up on while reading the Brontës, the biggest secret of all: you don’t need anyone else to complete you; we complete ourselves. Real life is messy, complicated, and a work in progress. But when it works, it’s glorious.
MARRIAGE ISN’T ALL HEARTS AND FLOWERS...
...it’s trying to pay the mortgage; working out if you can afford a holiday this year; debating the right way to bring up your beloved children; wishing you read books to improve yourself instead of gazing at the TV all night… all the realities of modern life. Sharing our lives with another human is something that’s been around forever and we need to put effort into it to make it work.’
‘Real life is messy and complicated. But when it works, it’s glorious’