Don’t panic, it’s only Christmas!
Peace and goodwill to all? Deal with difficult situations this season with our expert advice
QIs it acceptable to send digital thank you letters? ‘Any “thank you” is better than no “thank you”, but a hand-written note will be appreciated more than an email that can be cut and pasted,’ says Jo. ‘The effort for the thank you should match the effort of the act or gift,’ adds Tanya. ‘So if you’re invited to a party that has taken a lot of time and trouble, or if a relative has posted a gift that clearly took a lot of effort and thought, then putting pen to paper is the only acceptable way to say thank you. Children themselves are thrilled when they get something hand-written in the post, so remind them of that when they sit down and write their letters.’
QMy mum won’t let anyone else in the kitchen to help with cooking. It means she gets frazzled and short-tempered.
How can we stop her being such a festive martyr?
‘You can’t change how someone is, but you can change how you are around them,’ says Arabella. ‘If your mum is just one of those people who has to be at the centre of Christmas, even if it leaves her frazzled, instead of thinking of her as a martyr, realise instead that she likes to take responsibility for Christmas. There’s no harm in raising it with her though. If you can see this problem coming a mile off, tackle it before the season’s craziness gets into full swing, asking if she would like some help. She may refuse, but at least you’ve asked. On the other hand, she may like to change things too but didn’t want to offend you by suggesting it.’
QIt feels like we’re all going to end up sitting in different rooms on different TVS and devices this Christmas. How can we bring everyone together? ‘Children are still keen to do things together as a family, especially at this time of year, as long as you involve them in choosing the activity,’ says Tanya. ‘It’s not realistic to ask them to spend every waking hour over the holidays with you, but you can have a couple of nights where you all do
something together, watching a film or playing a board game. The key is balance – time off screens balanced with time on screens, and trying to meet them in their world occasionally. I bet they’d love to show you their favourite Youtube videos one evening. Why not ask?’
QIt’s my first Christmas without my children since my divorce. I’m dreading it. How do I get through it? ‘It is painful and it’s important to acknowledge that,’ says Arabella. ‘But
plan in advance so you aren’t caught out. Do whatever makes you happy, whether that’s staying in bed or going away with friends. Don’t think that 25 December is the only day you can have Christmas. Celebrate with your children another day, and if they’re old enough, ask them what they’d like to do to mark Christmas on a different day, and even in a different way.’
QWe love having extended family over at Christmas, but they end up staying so long we start resenting them. What’s the polite way to show them the door?
‘Don’t expect people to know when they should leave – they might stay just because they think it’s rude to go,’ says Jo. ‘Set time limits before people arrive. If you’ve got guests coming to stay, say, “We’d love you to come on Christmas Eve and it would be great if you could stay for lunch on Boxing Day”, making your offer seem generous rather than like you’re trying to kick them out. If you’ve invited friends for dinner or drinks, the best way to send the “leave” message is to stop serving drinks. Alternatively, drop hints about what a busy day you have tomorrow or, when the first cabs are called, say things like, “Is it that time already?”’
QMy husband’s dad died earlier this year and my mother-in-law is struggling. We want to have her with us for Christmas but are worried her mood will upset everyone else. ‘The whole family will be hurting after losing a loved one,’ says Arabella. ‘So
acknowledge that loss and how painful it is, but also celebrate Christmas and remember Granddad. Grief is a sign of how much someone was loved, so it’s a very precious thing to be together. Celebrating Christmas does not mean you didn’t love and don’t miss that person. Toasting your loved one and talking about him will make him part of the day, and your mother-in-law may take comfort from seeing your children enjoying themselves.’
QWe always spend Christmas with my parents and now it’s become tradition. How do I make sure my partner’s family don’t feel left out? ‘Just because you have always done things one way, it doesn’t mean it is the right way,’ says Arabella. ‘Equally, most people’s families are not like the Waltons, and just because it’s Christmas it doesn’t mean you have to bring everyone together. Don’t be afraid to start new traditions. Talk to your partner and find out what you both want.’
QWe just want to be by ourselves this Christmas. How do we break it to our families?
‘Ask yourself why it feels important to spend it by yourself and try to convey that message to your wider family,’ says Arabella. ‘It’s really important that the message you give is not one of rejection. So if you’ve had a tough year and you just want to pull up the drawbridge around your family for Christmas Day, explain that. Arrange to meet another day over the holiday instead.’