No more yes… my month of saying no! Stop pleasing others and take back control

Mum-of-two Christabel Smith took on the challenge to find out if it’s time to stop pleasing others and put herself first…

There’s multitasking and there’s being a mug. From the moment I wake up to drag my teenagers out of bed, every minute of my day is assigned to the demands of others. When the boys yell, ‘Where are my shoes/pe shorts/keys?’ I think, ‘Not my job,’ at the same time as joining in the search.

‘You are good,’ my husband observes. What he actually means is, ‘You’re a soft touch.’ I’m at the bottom of my own to-do list. I barely have time to go to the loo, let alone have my legs waxed. I want to feel more in control of my time and stop draining my own energy by trying to please everyone else. My philosophy has always been to say,

‘Yes, count me in,’ but now, run ragged, I realise it’s time to try out the most powerful word of all: NO.

Week 1, Day 1 NO! to being a taxi

Making tea in the kitchen, I hear thumping footsteps on the stairs. ‘Mum!’ my eldest son hollers. ‘Can you give me a lift to the station?’ This happens often because he doesn’t get out of bed in time to get the bus. I’ve fallen into the habit of driving him, even though I get stuck in traffic and start the day running late. It’s time to experiment with my resolve. ‘Sorry, darling,’ I say. ‘I can’t this morning.’ He is slack-jawed with disbelief. ‘But I’ll miss my train,’ he responds. In my new-found, assertiveyet-pleasant tone, I say, ‘You’ll get the next one if you leave now.’ He storms off in outrage. His parting shot – ‘You don’t even care if I’m late for school,’ – echoes in my ears for the rest of the day. OUTCOME: I feel guilty. That’s part of the problem.

Week 1, Day 3 NO! to a campaigner

Nipping into town, I’m approached by a man with a clipboard. He wants my email address for a campaign to save the local hospital’s endangered stroke unit. I care about that, I really do, but I picture the extra emails flooding my inbox and know I’ll just delete them. ‘I’m going to say no,’ I reply bravely. ‘But thank you.’ He just smiles and moves on. The world doesn’t end.

OUTCOME: As challenges go, this was low-hanging fruit, but I feel pleased I didn’t cave in.

Week 2, Day 2 NO! to book club angst

I take a couple of hours off from my job as a freelance writer to have lunch with my friends. One, a non-working mum whose only child is away at university, has started a book club and asks me to join. I think of the huge stack of books I’ve bought and long to read, as well as the novel that drops to the floor by my bed every night after half a page. ‘No thanks,’ I say with a panicky voice. ‘I honestly can’t think of anything worse.’ OUTCOME: She looks wounded. My no was too forceful. I have a lot to learn.

Week 2, Day 5 NO! to pricey pizza

I get home late after a day rushing around. My youngest son, 15, seizes his opportunity. ‘Why don’t we get a delivery pizza?’ he asks. ‘Save you cooking. Pleeeease?’ It’s tempting, but pizza for four of us would set me back the best part of £40. ‘No,’ I say. ‘There are pizzas in the freezer.’ OUTCOME: He looks slightly glum but doesn’t put up a fight. Could the tide be turning?

Week 3, Day 2 NO! working for free

My phone interrupts my evening. It’s a friend wanting a chat – but I can tell he’s after something. ‘Could you have a look at my new website?’ he wheedles. ‘You’re so clever at that sort of thing. I need it by the morning at the latest.’ I’d have agreed in the past, then spent my evening tidying up typos and reworking turgid content. ‘Sorry, too much on,’ I said. ‘But I know a great copywriter who’s pretty reasonable.’ OUTCOME: Slam dunk! I was firm but fair and didn’t feel any guilt. After all, he’s the tightwad who doesn’t want to pay for professional services, not me.

Week 3, Day 6 NO! to date night

In the middle of the afternoon, my husband sends a text asking if I wanted to go to a movie. I have a heart-head conflict. I love that he’s spontaneous and a break from routine is appealing, but it’s a school night. Rather than racing around leaving food out for the kids, putting on going-out clothes and falling asleep in the cinema, I’d rather eat dinner in my PJS and fall asleep on the sofa. I told him just that. OUTCOME: He promised he liked the honesty. ‘Better to be happy at home than grumpy out,’ he said. Result.

Week 4, Day 1 NO! to mindfulness

Nothing stands in the way of my weekly yoga class. At the end of today’s session, I settle on my mat for the usual blissful relaxation when the teacher invites us to a weekend of mindfulness and chanting-based meditation. I know I shouldn’t turn down the opportunity for spiritual growth, but I’d rather be mindless than mindful at weekends. ‘I can’t make that date,’ I smile sweetly.

OUTCOME: Another bullet dodged – time to enjoy my weekend!

Week 4, Day 4 NO! joyless socialising

An invitation comes through from an old schoolfriend who lives 50 miles away, inviting us to a dinner party and to stay the night afterwards. My husband and I both groan at the very thought of the organisation needed to go: dog-sitter, train fares, wine and flowers to take, stock the fridge for the boys. Total cost for the weekend? Approx £250. I’m not brave enough to say no outright, so I lie. ‘What a lovely invitation, but sadly we’re away that weekend.’ OUTCOME: It’s not in the spirit of my recent assertiveness to tell a fib – but it’s better than sacrificing my weekend.