Keeping the spark alive Refresh your relationship
Does it feel like things are stale between you and your partner? Here’s how to bring your relationship back to life
Nearly everything about your partner will, at some point, enrage you, explains relationship expert and journalist Belinda Luscombe. But we cannot change our spouses’ personalities and, when you really think about it, would you want to? The things we love about them can’t be separated from the things that drive us crazy. Is your partner incredibly fit? Then you’ll be driven mad by how much time they spend exercising. Love their creativity? Oh, the mess! Is your spouse really organised and tidy? Then their fussing might just drive you up the wall.
The real problem with familiarity is that it breeds contempt, which inflicts real wounds. How do you banish contempt when there are no mysteries between you? Here’s what to do to get things back on track…
Use familiarity as a tool
Couples should see themselves as a team. You’re not hanging out with a person just because it feels good or makes you happy. You’re creating something as a couple or a family. You’re not just there for them or yourself, but for some third thing that exists beyond the two of you.
Say thank you
Notice something good your partner did, then thank them for doing it. Don’t follow with any caveats, though! So, don’t say, ‘Thanks so much for cooking, but you used up all the cheese.’ Just keep it to, ‘Thanks so much for cooking.’ It might sound greeting card-esque, but there is solid research that suggests simply saying thank you to your spouse makes a big difference.
Do something small but meaningful
Think of one thing you can do for your partner this week that they like but that you don’t normally do. It could be as small as making the bed, or taking the kids out so they can sleep in. This works because it gets partners to think about what their spouse’s day is like and what their pressures might be. Generosity and marriage go together.
The one-to-five rule
Researchers say the ratio of negative to positive interactions is 1:5, so every time you say something snippy to your spouse, say or do five nice things. Early in the morning, after you both get home from work and before bed are easy times to do three of those: Did you sleep well? I’m so glad you’re home, plus saying ‘good night’.
Ask for a favour
Research suggests that getting people to do you a favour helps them to feel more positive about you; helping someone out makes us feel needed. But make it a favour, not an expectation. ‘How would you solve this issue I’m having?’ works. ‘Can you vacuum the car?’ does not.
Learn things together
When you get your brain working on an activity it finds arousing, it draws pleasure from that and associates the pleasure with your partner, if you’re doing it together. Couples who participate in exciting activities experience higher levels of marital satisfaction, according to studies.
Be friends with couples
Studies have found that couples who are friendly with other couples tend to have happier marriages and survive a lot of rough terrain. You’ll learn about other people alongside your partner, but also the couple can be an avenue for venting and create a frame of reference.
Differences make you interesting to each other
Don’t forget about the parts of yourself that brought you joy before your spouse. As divorce lawyer James Sexton writes, you can’t end every night with ‘Oh, I forgot to tell you that crazy story about when we both sat down and watched TV.’
You’re a couple before you are parents
Often couples get so invested in parenting that it moves from an activity they were undertaking as a team to the point of the team’s existence. Then, once the kids have moved out, they’re not quite sure what to do. Remember to put the other adult above the kids now and then.
• Edited extracts from: Marriageology: The Art And Science Of Staying Together (Oneworld) by Belinda Luscombe