‘Together we’ve learned to cope’
Living with a partner who is struggling with their mental health can place a huge strain on a relationship. Mum-of-two Beth Hughes, 46, from London, opens up about how living with her husband James’s depression has affected them all
How a husband and father’s depression has affected the whole family
This is the time of year when I practically push my husband, James, out of the door and into whatever daylight remains because, as there’s less natural sunshine, his mood noticeably dips.
Fortunately, he knows it too and only needs a bit of encouragement to go for a run or get stuck into his cherished allotment, both of which have proved brilliant in helping him maintain a better mental balance. Little changes like this really do make a real difference to James’s state of mind, helping him rely less on medication and therapy. But it’s taken us a while to figure out what works.
BREAKING DOWN
As a family, with our daughters Phoebe, 16, and Caitlin, 14, we’ve come a long way since James had a serious breakdown nine years ago. Back then, he locked himself in the toilets at work, sobbing down the phone to me, unable to go to an important meeting.
Over months, perhaps years, the perfect storm had been brewing. He worked long hours as a manager in an international transport firm and, at home, he was barely sleeping. I’d been worried but hadn’t realised how serious it had become. James and I had met 13 years earlier when he’d moved with his job to Florida, where I lived, to work at the same car-hire firm as me. He was fun to be around and witty, with a sarcastic British sense of humour that I
‘Hearing James crying on the phone was terrifying. We needed to get help’
loved, and sparkling blue eyes. Two years later, after battling to get a Visa for me to come to the UK, we were married.
We settled in London and Phoebe was born in 2003. We couldn’t have been happier but, around a year later, James fainted at work. The doctors blamed it on nervous exhaustion, but he then explained that at university he’d been prescribed Prozac to help him cope with his low moods.
I was upset for him but not too worried, as he normally seemed fine. He was put on a low dose of antidepressants, which helped initially.
Not long after, Caitlin was born and, outwardly, James was the great husband and doting dad he’d always been. But around the time Caitlin started school four years later, it was clear that James was struggling again. He became paranoid about missing work calls, was constantly agitated and unable to switch off. He went off the deep end about trivialities, such as the car needing unexpected repairs, and he was sleeping badly.
Finally, in 2010, he had the breakdown at work; his ‘big meltdown’. Hearing him crying on the phone was terrifying. I told him we would go together to the GP to get the help he so clearly needed; this started him on the road to recovery with a referral for counselling.
James also confessed that he actually had a plan for taking his own life. That was a huge wake-up call to me. I realised I needed to help James, too. So, we adjusted our relationship and lifestyle, building in more exercise and downtime to help James cope. I knew it wouldn’t be something we could fix quickly.
I learned that bombarding him with questions when he got home from work was the worst thing to do. Instead, I let him take half an hour for himself, until he’s ready to talk about his day.
FINDING A REMEDY
He initially took six months’ unpaid leave, attending a private mental health clinic every day for four months. It was paid for by our health insurance, which we were so lucky to have. The alternatives offered by the NHS were CBT, for which there was a long waiting list, or staying in hospital as an in-patient, which James was vehemently against. He had
counselling and learned relaxation techniques, such as yoga. He also slept a lot, going to bed early and taking naps during the day. He was very wrapped up in himself, unable to see how the rest of us might be feeling, but it was what he needed to get well again.
I made sure everything at home ran as smoothly as possible. I was juggling work as a classroom assistant with looking after our daughters and, while I never resented having to make James a priority, it was huge strain.
I tried to remain as ‘normal’ as possible, while making sure stresses were removed from his life. I’d encourage him to get up in the morning, to go outside for walks and eat healthy meals, as following a routine has been shown to be positive for mental health. I also read books about depression to help me understand what he was feeling.
While James found it hard to talk to others, I found it easier to lean on friends and family. James’s sister was a huge help to me, both emotionally and practically, and sometimes looked after the girls so I could go for a walk or have a long soak in the bath. There’s a stigma around mental health, but I never had a problem opening up to people; I needed to.
Finding out that James had considered suicide was incredibly difficult. I kept thinking, ‘If he felt like that, he could feel it again,’ and the thought of the girls being without their wonderful dad terrified me. Every time
something challenging happened, I’d be deeply nervous, wondering if things would get bad again.
The girls were a welcome distraction for James. At the time, we didn’t want to burden them with James’s illness, but we became open as they grew older, explaining that Dad has depression and is being treated for it.
TIME TO TALK
Now they’re older, Phoebe and Caitlin are so proud of him and have more understanding of others who might be struggling. They’re also great at realising when their dad needs a little extra TLC, snuggling up with him to watch TV or bringing him a cup of tea. Phoebe and James share a love of football, while Caitlin has taken up running thanks to her dad. Depression can sometimes have a genetic link, so I do keep a lookout for signs that the girls are struggling, but they are both doing well.
James openly talks about his depression now and campaigns to break the stigma through the mentalhealth charity Time To Change, but it’s been a long road. When things were at their bleakest, there were times when I questioned whether I had the strength to carry on. But reminding myself of how certain I’d felt about James at the beginning kept me going.
James knows that no matter how low he feels, I love him regardless and I will always be there for him.
‘I never had a problem opening up to people’