SEEING THE WORLD helped us heal
Consumed by grief after the death of her partner, Sally Tettersell, 37, from Braunton, Devon, made a big decision for her and her young son
Gazing out at the surf nearly 12,000 miles from my Devon home, a different feeling settled over me. It wasn’t happiness exactly, but rather a sense of having accomplished something very important. It felt like we’d succeeded in doing something we’d needed to do.
As my young son, Elliot, then three, chattered on by my side, I thought about what had brought us to this beach at Raglan, a surfing mecca on New Zealand’s North Island.
It had been somewhere that my partner, Jaime, Elliot’s dad, had dreamed of riding the waves, so it seemed fitting that we had made it here in February 2018, to mark his 41st birthday.
Sadly, we had to eat the huge cake we’d made in our holiday home without Jaime. In December 2016, 14 months earlier, he had taken his own life. The two of us had grown up together, been a couple for nine years and engaged for two. While he had struggled with his mental health for a long time, Jaime’s death was totally unexpected and floored me completely.
In those early days, just getting up in the morning was a struggle. It was Elliot, then aged just two, that made me put one foot in front of another. He still needed breakfast, taking to nursery and stories at night. Even if I felt like hiding under the duvet sobbing, Elliot wouldn’t let me.
DARK DAYS
When someone takes their own life, the ripple effect is massive. Jaime’s death brought with it an extra layer of
complexity, and questions that might never be answered. There were some very dark days and, with Jaime having done most of the childcare while I returned to my management job with the NHS, the enormity of having Elliot completely reliant on me was daunting.
A few months after Jaime’s death, I began to realise that I had to do something big and positive to move us forward. Grief was agonising and bottomless, but I also very gradually learned that it can make you stronger and braver, too. Although my family lived close and were an amazing support, I needed to escape the small town where everyone knew us and find a new future. People’s sympathy wasn’t unwelcome, but I needed a break.
To many people’s shock, I decided to give up our rented house, put our things in storage, and head off with Elliot around the world. Some asked, “What on earth are you doing?” but I felt I had nothing else to lose. It helped that my family knew how hard things had been for me and never doubted that it was the right thing for the two of us. Elliot was so little that I didn’t have to worry about school, and I also felt that broadening his horizons could only be a good thing for him.
With Jaime we’d enjoyed amazing trips in our campervan, mostly to beaches in Devon and Cornwall, but there was also a long list of places that he’d longed to visit abroad. Now was my chance to go there for him. That gorgeous beach in New Zealand was top of the list. Elliot, meanwhile, had two very specific requests: ’Disneyland’ and ‘a hotel with a pool’. By the time we’d set off and taken the train through Spain and France, to Disneyland Paris, those two wishes were quickly ticked off.
NEW HORIZONS
We then flew to Malaysia, Bali, Australia, New Zealand, Fiji and the United States, covering nine countries across four continents in six months. I only ever planned one month ahead, so that
I could come home at any point if I needed to. Winging it, staying in Airbnbs along the way, was part of the fun. As Elliot was so young when his dad died, it was quite hard for him to understand, but we talked about him constantly
– and still do – and so his understanding grew as we talked more. I also turned to the charity Winston’s Wish to help me answer some of his questions.
I have always been open about talking about Jaime and we shared our story with others who we met on the
‘I needed to escape and find a new future’
way. I wish it could have been the three of us travelling together, but by going where he’d wanted to go, it felt as if he was with us in some way.
Elliot and I laughed lots and made life-long memories, jumping off a boat into the sea in Malaysia, taking surfing lessons in Bali and meeting koala bears in Australia. I saw that if I could single-handedly take a three-year-old round the world then anything was possible. I was stronger than I’d ever thought I’d be. It also made me realise how undemanding children actually are if you are free to give them attention. Because I could take that time with Elliot and share such a wonderful adventure with him, being with him constantly for six months wasn’t hard at all.
After more than five months, as we crossed the international dateline from Fiji to America, it felt like we were homeward-bound. We flew into Los Angeles and went to visit a friend in
Las Vegas, then headed home.
That’s when I started to think about re-building my life; a life for me and my son that showed him how to be happy and grateful for what we have, how to live life to the full, have adventures and have confidence in himself.
I knew I wasn’t going to settle any more, that I wanted to be true to what I wanted to do in life, which was to be creative. Travelling had proved to me that I could do anything.
A NEW LIFE AT HOME
On the day we landed back in the UK, in March 2018, I spotted a job with a local photographer, who I still work with nearly three years later. It’s amazing what turns up when you change your perspective! That fired up my creativity and, in the evenings after Elliot went to bed, I began drawing and creating, building up a portfolio using the pattern design skills I’d studied at college.
The first lockdown last year was difficult at times, and lonely, but it also gave me the opportunity to escape into drawing and developing my style. I pulled my inspiration from vintage and retro pieces of art that caught my eye, fashion and even toys, as well as the nature that was blooming all around. It was the first time I was truly happy with my own work and I followed my gut, setting up my own business.
My online shop at sallytetterselldesigns.com went live last October, and slowly I’m adding more designs. After what I’ve been through, this leap of faith doesn’t feel as daunting as it might.
Any fear of failure was outweighed by showing Elliot the importance of having adventures and giving things a go.
Elliot is now six and I am exceptionally proud of who he is and the relationship we have. He was very young when his dad died so I am not sure how much he can understand about what happened, but we keep his memory alive through photos and videos, which we love watching together, and we talk about him all the time.
Everything I do has Jaime in mind. The grief is always there and it always will be. The hole that person leaves never really goes away or gets any smaller, but it’s what you build around that hole that enables you to move forward. Thanks to travelling, starting my business, and having Elliot by my side, I have hope. Life still has opportunity, and I am determined to keep showing Elliot the adventures that this beautiful world has to offer.