‘I went on a housework strike!’ One woman took drastic action

When writer Sally Howard’s son was born, a fair division of housework went out the window. It left Sally to take drastic action…

‘There was a cold cup of tea left on top of the loo’

SALLY, 43, SAYS: Tim and I met on a blind date in 2012. He strode into the bar wearing a pink shirt and a kind smile. I loved that he was a sensitive person who, during our courting days, whipped up Jamie Oliver meals and washed up afterwards without leaving spaghetti strands stuck to the pot.

Two years on, we moved in together in London. Tim changed sheets, wiped down worktops and paired socks. I covered the weekday cooking and put out the bins. So, when we embarked on the voyage of parenting four years into our relationship, I assumed, naively, that we’d shift into the arrangements of parenthood with ease.

Our son, Leo, arrived in August 2016, as did the endless nappy-changing, bottle-sterilising and washing of baby clothes. More surprising was the less visible ‘mum work’: it was me who was expected to know if Leo was up to date with his inoculations and developmental milestones; it was

‘mum’ who the health visitors addressed their questions to, and ‘mum’ who had to be across tasks such as sending thank-you cards for toys and buying biscuits for the in-laws’ visits.

Tim aspired to be the sort of dad you see in Swedish knitwear, changing nappies in the men’s loos and carrying our son about in a papoose. But despite these intentions, he didn’t understand that no matter how much baby sick he sponged off, or nappies he changed, there was still a whole host of duties that had to be done just to keep the house running. That didn’t seem to register.

In fact, research shows that the arrival of a baby increases the domestic load by around three hours a day, and the lionesses’ share of this extra work (two hours and 20 minutes, typically) falls to women. There’s also the underlying fact that, with or without kids, the average British woman contributes 20 hours of weekly domestic effort to men’s 12 hours: a gap that hasn’t budged since the 1990s.

BREAKING POINT

Tim and I talked about this widening gap, but he suggested we simply do less around the house. Why worry about the bathtub being scrubbed or cooking a meal from scratch every night? We’d reached our limits of being able to understand each other’s point of view.

Finally, in 2018, when Leo was 18 months old, I’d had enough and decided to go on strike and spend a whole day not doing any chores. I didn’t tell Tim my plan as I wanted him to notice all the invisible things I did to keep the family show on the road. The only thing I did was the nursery pick-up and drop-off as I knew Tim couldn’t because of work. I chose the date to tie in with International Women’s Day, so on 8 March, after dropping Leo at nursery, my strike began.

At first I found myself pacing around the house. There were no clean mugs so I headed to the local coffee shop and

distracted myself by calling friends and reading a magazine. In the afternoon, I pottered about the shops then picked up Leo and returned home to feed him.

When Tim got home from work, there was no milk in the fridge and a cold cup of tea left on the top of the loo. The spare room was a chaos of unfolded laundry and the bedroom floor was covered in my discarded 70 deniers and breastfeeding bras.

But, preoccupied by stresses at work, Tim didn’t seem to notice: he simply put Leo to bed, folded a few bits of laundry and prepared dinner instead, which we finally got to eat at 9.30pm. I shuffled off to bed: 20 per cent woman and 80 per cent irritable indigestion.

THE ROAD FORWARD

The following evening, I confessed my experiment to Tim and was surprised to discover that he hadn’t noticed that I’d downed domestic tools. ‘I was quite happy to cook pasta and eat at a continental hour,’ he mused. ‘Though I did wonder about that half-drunk cup of tea on top of the loo.’

My strike wasn’t a total triumph, but it marked a turning point. We talked about how much extra I’d been doing. Tim was sorry and agreed to meet me halfway.

Three years on, we’re better than ever. Tim has since taken two stretches of parental leave to look after Leo. He organises play dates, vacuums, shops and does the school drop-off while I prepare evening meals, attack the bathtub and cover school pick-ups.

So, this International Women’s Day, why not join me? Go out for a solo walk, forget about the ironing and, whatever you do, don’t get stressed if the bed sheets are left on for an extra few days…

TIM SAYS: I’ve always wanted to be an equal partner, however there’s still pressure on men when they become dads to be a wage earner. But Sally’s strike inspired me to take parental leave in 2019 while she worked. It was a turning point because it helped me bond with Leo, and going to things like toddler and parent groups helped me to see the pressures of being a parent from a woman’s point of view.

Being a 50/50 partner makes parenting more rewarding, and my relationship with Sally stronger.

• The Home Stretch: Why

The Gender Revolution Stalled At The Kitchen Sink by Sally Howard (Atlantic Books, £9.99) is out in paperback on 5 March