How to have a good divorce Stop it turning into a blame game
With lockdown putting relationships under strain and online divorce searches rising, here’s how to ensure your break-up doesn’t turn into a blame game...
There’s no doubt that couples with fragile relationships felt the strain of lockdown; Citizens Advice saw a 25% surge of views on its divorce web page and some law firms are seeing a 40% increase in divorce enquiries. Claire Black, 48, from Portishead, Somerset, knows first-hand the pain the break-up of a marriage can cause…
LESSONS LEARNED
After Claire’s marriage ended in 2008, she was determined to bounce back. Now a divorce
coach and author of Break-up: From Crisis
To Confidence, here, she shares her story: ‘I led a textbook life until I was 35. I met my husband-to-be at university, then taught for three years before training to be a lawyer. We moved in together, married, had our first son followed, two years later, by another. We shared childcare effectively. Our parents got on. So far, so easy. I’d never experienced struggle, adversity or failure.
One evening, when our boys were three and 18 months, we ate the supper he’d cooked, then sat down to watch TV. He was quieter than usual, so I asked: “Everything okay?” “I’ve been seeing someone,” my husband of seven years replied.
I’d had no idea, no inkling, and went into shock. I remember fleeing to my neighbour and by the time I got back, he was packed and ready to leave. By 10pm, he’d gone.
With huge emotions colliding, I would lurch from longing to see his car on the drive, to self-laceration – ‘Was I that bad a wife?’ – to fury, sending acidic emails. One day, bumping into him in the street, I exploded, yelling obscenities at him.
‘I was set on steering myself away from negativity’
Afterwards, I felt I’d let myself down and vowed never to lose my cool again. I gave myself a three-month window for wallowing. As soon as that time was up, I started building survival strategies, determined to swim, not sink.
For the sake of the kids, my ex and I worked out arrangements in a tense, but civil, way. I was set on steering myself away from negativity and, rather than seeing a weekend alone as a tragedy, learned to embrace the freedom – having a lie-in, and going on long runs or bike rides without having to keep an eye on the time.
I joined a Leroc jive dance class and made sure that I always had things to look forward to. Taking the boys camping that summer, I felt a sense of achievement as I wielded tent poles and lit the barbecue. Watching a puppet show one day at the zoo, I found myself laughing properly for the first time in months and knew I was truly beginning to mend.
Seeing how I was managing, friends having marital problems began to seek out my advice. As we talked through solutions, they told me how much better they felt, which was so rewarding. It drew me towards studying courses in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and, from there, eventually switching from my job as a solicitor to setting up as a divorce coach from home. I’m not a mediator or counsellor, rather, I help clients to get back on their feet so they feel in control as they move forwards.
Four years ago, I married Paul, a divorcé I’d met at my jive class. As we took to the floor for our first dance on our wedding day, I knew my second marriage would be different. Less complacency, more communication.
This time, I would be more awake. My ex is still with the same partner, who’s a great stepmum, and far from being victims of a broken marriage, our boys are happy and settled.
I’ll never forget how the sudden split left me shattered, like a dropped vase, but I like to think that when you can pick up the pieces and repair yourself, you can be more beautiful than ever before.’
• Break-up: From Crisis To Confidence (Forward Thinking Publishing, £14.99) by Claire Black is out now. Contact Claire at claireblackcoaching.com