DIVORCING WITH DIGNITY
Claire shares the key things she has learned
● DON’T LET YOUR EX DICTATE YOUR DAY. If messages are flying back and forth, turn off your phone before you go to bed and don’t switch it on until after breakfast the next day. If an email or text has annoyed you, step away for 24 hours and consider your response. You can’t control what comes to your inbox, but you have full control over what leaves it.
● BUY A PRETTY JOURNAL. It might have an empowering message on the front or a picture of a proud peacock – anything that draws you in so you can record how you’re feeling each day, marking the strength of your emotions out of 10. Look back regularly to see how far you’ve come.
● GRIEF IS NATURAL. The way you travel through the five stages of the healing cycle – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – won’t go in a straight line, but it’s important to remember you are moving all the time.
● CHOOSE NOT TO BE BITTER. Your pain is real, of course, but avoid terms such as ‘failed marriage’, which will only bring you down. When a partner leaves, see it as an opportunity rather than a tragedy. You can now make your own decisions.
● BUILD A TEAM AROUND YOU. You need back-up: family, friends, neighbours, babysitters, colleagues, a counsellor and/or coach, financial/legal advisers. Choose your professional help carefully, preferably getting first-hand recommendations. Trust is key.
● DIVIDE YOUR DAY INTO BITE-SIZED CHUNKS. At the first stages of an emotional tsunami, it’s helpful to break up your time into segments of five to 10 minutes, rather than facing a whole day. Give yourself a pat on the back when you survive each chunk.
● LOOK AFTER BODY, MIND AND SOUL. Protect yourself by eating fresh, nutritious food (even if it’s tiny amounts to start with) and taking time to exercise, which will aid sleep.
● SLAP ON A SMILE. Even if it’s the last thing you feel like, evidence shows that wearing a smile relaxes facial muscles, decreases stress hormones and calms the nervous system.
● REWRITE YOUR OWN STORY. Do you find yourself telling the same sorry tale of heartbreak over and over again? Rather than the old narrative of ‘I was dumped/ cheated on/abandoned’, try ‘despite the shock, I held my head up high, learned a lot about myself and now the kids and I are doing fine’.
● WORK AT CO-PARENTING. If you have younger children, think ahead to their wedding days. How will they feel if you and your ex are still at war, resolutely ignoring each other and insisting on separate tables? However fraught your relationship is with your ex, do your utmost to put the children’s interests first. Seeing you managing this will teach them invaluable lessons in communication and compromise.