WHAT THE EXPERT SAYS…

‘There can be nagging guilt when you begin dating someone, or develop feelings for someone new, after losing a spouse,’ says psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber. ‘I’ve had clients who are shocked to discover that they still feel married to the person who died, and they don’t want to break their vows. The lifelong commitment is hard to break, even when the commitment is to memories.’

Here, Charlotte addresses some common dilemmas:

Q

When is the right time to start dating?

A

There’s no one right time. For some people it might be years; others are surprised by how soon they feel ready for a new relationship. Forming new connections doesn’t mean you’re not grieving, but a common mistake is to think a new relationship will fix the pain of mourning. One indicator to know if you’re ready is when you feel you can talk easily about the loss but can also imagine talking about all other areas of your life. Just remember, you don’t need to be fully ‘healed’ of your grief to be ready for something new. Sorrow and joy can sit side by side.

Q

When is the best time to talk about my grief with a new partner?

A

When you feel ready, safe and comfortable to do so. When you do broach the topic, allow for the other person to be curious. A new partner might not always say the right thing, so it’s important that you respect each other and feel secure enough to express yourselves freely.

Q

How do I tell family members that I’ve started dating again?

A

The best way to approach this is with an expectation that they might ‘side’ with your previous partner, because he or she wasn’t just your spouse, but also their child, sibling or parent. Sometimes there can be an unspoken rivalry that plays out in families when someone dies. Who has suffered most? Who knew the person best? If the family judges your new relationships, consider what it’s really about. Expect hesitancy and allow time and space for open and honest discussions to happen. Perspectives will change over time, so if conversations don’t go well at first, stay open to revisiting the topic in future.

• What We Want (Hachette) by Charlotte Fox Weber is out now