‘TIS THE SEASON…

Rick’s Christmas wish? A simpler way of communicating!

I remember with fondness the days when letters would pop through the letterbox. You could open them while eating your boiled egg and, if there was one that needed a reply, you could digest its contents and think about it before putting pen to paper later that day. There was time to give a proper and considered answer, possibly followed up with a telephone call. Not anymore though. Now we have bloody emails that waste hours every day and, more often or not, lead to hostility.

Picture this: It’s eight o’clock in the morning, and I open my first email of the day.

“Hi Rick, Hope you don’t mind me contacting you but I was wondering if you could possibly help us out with a charity event we’re putting to help save the orange parsnip. We know you care vehemently about the environment and so if you could put on a concert for us that would be brilliant. Thanks, Jim Nasium.”

There are another 63 messages waiting in my inbox so I flag that one for later and continue to plough through the rest. I’m only on the third when there’s a ping from the computer to tell me a new email has arrived… and it’s from Jim.

“Hi Rick, Did you get the email I sent 10 minutes ago?”

I ignore it and continue checking my messages. About a minute later, there’s another ping.

“Why haven’t you replied? We need to sort something out urgently.”

Jim is now beginning to annoy me, and then there’s another ping.

“I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you, but you obviously don’t care about the orange parsnip so I’m going to post on Facebook that you were totally unresponsive to our pleas.”

I take a deep breath and reply.

“Hi Jim, Sorry for the delay in replying but

I am up to my neck in emails and only have a limited amount of time before I go to the studio. Please supply the following information: Where do you want to hold the concert and when? Who else is taking part? Do you have PA and lights sorted? If it’s a long distance, do you have hotels sorted? Are you a registered charity?”

I return to my inbox and, after a few minutes, there’s another ping.

“The concert is in Northumberland. You would need to supply the PA and lights as your contribution, and pay your band as well. There are nice hotels around here that I’m sure would give you a good rate. We aren’t a registered charity but we do care about the orange parsnip. As for a date, we’re looking at Christmas Day.” I take another deep breath and bash out a reply. “Dear Jim, While I never charge for charity events, there are expenses for my crew and band which have to be covered. Also I’m afraid Christmas Day is a non-starter.”

Ping!

“Very disappointed with your reply. You are an uncaring and nasty person. We’re now going to contact Pink Floyd, who I am sure won’t be as difficult to deal with as you.”

I type my final reply, but delete it before hitting the send button. It read simply: “Dear Jim, Stick your orange parsnip up your arse!”

“Did you get the email I sent 10 minutes ago?”