THIS STRANGE ENGINE

A case of mistaken identity leaves Rick in a bit of a pickle!

I was stood on the platform of the wonderful North Norfolk Railway in Holt when a well-dressed gentleman approached me.

He asked politely, “Do you still own the Flying Scotsman? Wonderful engine…”

I smiled back politely and replied, “Sorry to disappoint you, but you’re confusing me with the songwriter and producer Pete Waterman. I’ve met him; he’s an amazing man and a train fanatic. I love trains as well, but could never afford anything like the Flying Scotsman.”

“Isn’t that amazing that you should have the same name as him! Did you ever consider buying something smaller like a tank engine, Mr Waterman?” “Actually, I’m Mr Wakeman”. “As in Pete Wakeman-Waterman?” He was so polite that I couldn’t be rude and call him an ignorant twat, and so once again, I smiled politely and tried to get through to him.

“I don’t have a Pete or a Waterman in my name. It’s just Wakeman, Rick Wakeman.”

“Very wise. I’m sure it must have been confusing for both you and Pete.”

We shook hands and he wandered off to a group of enthusiasts at the far end of the platform. That’s when I overheard him telling them, “That’s Pete Waterman over there, you know, but he’s changed his name to Rickman or something like that to avoid being recognised.”

“Looks like Rick Wakeman to me,” said one chap, gazing in my direction.

“Yes, he mentioned that name as well. I wonder which he uses on his passport?”

“Probably Mike Stock,” said another. “They used three different names when they recorded that Kylie Minogue. He went under Stock, Aitken and Waterman.”

“Oh, I know who he is!” said another in the group. “That’s Rick Perfect from Status Quo.”

“I don’t recall him ever buying a train,” said one with a hat. “And didn’t he pass away recently?”

One chap, who had remained silent throughout the whole discussion suddenly piped up. “I think you’ll find that is Rick Wakeman. He was in a band called Yes who became ARW and then Yes featuring ARW, or something like that.”

“So what’s his real name then?”

The one lady in the group joined the conversation and muttered, “I’m not sure, but he had a big solo album called Tubular Balls. I know, I’ll go and ask him!”

She wandered over to me and very politely said, “I’m sorry to bother you, we know you’ve got Tubular Balls but we’re very confused as to what your real name is. Can you tell me? It’ll put us all out of our misery.”

I smiled sweetly and replied, “Of course, I’m Richard Branson.”

“Thank you”, she said, completely missing my sarcasm. She wandered back to the group and said, “We were all wrong. He’s that one who makes the chutney and pickle.”

“He was so polite that I couldn’t be rude and call him a twat.”