THE ART OF DECEPTION
There’s nothing like a tour to bring out the blaggers, says Rick.
By the time you read this, I’ll have just got back from my Piano Odyssey Tour. And there’s nothing like a tour to bring opportunists out of the woodwork. It’s amazing how many people you haven’t heard from for years suddenly claim to be your greatest friend. Most will get in touch by email, and the exchange usually goes something like this:
“Hi Rick, it’s been a long time since we last communicated but I know you’ve been really busy. As you may recall, we met backstage at the Hammersmith Odeon (as it was called then) in 1982. I was with the brother of one of your road crew who I lived next door to and you signed an album for me. Luckily Tim, your ex-roadie who I know doesn’t work for you anymore, still had your email address and so I thought I’d get back in touch. [At this point, I made a mental note to change my address at the earliest opportunity.] I notice that you’re playing a concert in [home town] on [date] and so if you could organise four complimentary tickets and aftershow passes that would be great. I look forward to catching up with you after the show. All best wishes, Ron.”
Usually what happens is that Ron gets a reply from my management as I have no recollection of him at all and no wish to meet him either. The office politely tells him that unfortunately there are no more complimentary tickets available as they have all been used up by family. However, Ron doesn’t give up that easily. He replies to say that he’s quite happy to sit anywhere or even stand, and if we needed any help would be only too happy to offer his services.
Management are used to this kind of offer so politely decline his help and tell him that there are no seats available anywhere, nor any standing options.
But Ron tries one more attack. He sends a short but sweet message asking: “Could we meet for a coffee before the concert?”
Unfortunately, says management, that’s not an option as there are interviews and a sound check to do.
In desperation, Ron asks if there are any tickets anywhere on the tour that he can have. Sadly, this means that Ron hasn’t read between the lines and now has to face reality. The final email from the office is blunter, and reads:
“Dear Ron, As we have explained many times now, there are no complimentary tickets available. These are always reserved for family and very close friends and you do not fit into either category anyway. The roadie Tim, who you refer to, only worked for Rick for three shows as he was useless. More importantly, Rick doesn’t remember you so I’m afraid we will not be entering into any further correspondence. Regards, United Stage Artists.”
Occasionally, I’ll get phone calls and they’re much easier to deal with. They usually open with: “Hi Rick! It must be a couple of years since we last spoke and…”
To which the standard reply is: “All the complimentary tickets have gone. Bye!”
If only everything in life was that simple!
“As you may recall, we met backstage at the Hammersmith Odeon in 1982. ”