THE CHANGINGMAN

Birthday boy Rick says, “Life really does change at 70…”

I would never have believed it. I went to bed on May 17 totally convinced that I would wake up the next morning feeling exactly the same. But I was wrong.

I got a lot of cards, which was very nice, and they all were suitably insulting about reaching the milestone age of 70 which put me in a grumpy old mood even before the most important meal of the day.

“Would you like a nice birthday breakfast, darling?” my lovely wife asked me.“How about some scrambled egg on toast with some mushrooms? You love mushrooms so I’ll cook some extra ones and a couple of grilled tomatoes too.”

“Sod off, I don’t want any breakfast. I’m old and I’m surprised I’ve still got my own teeth.” I said.

“Well, actually you haven’t…” Rachel countered. “But anyway, why are you in such a bad mood on your birthday?”

“Because I’m bloody 70! Next stop, 80 and after that... who knows?”

I was still grumbling as I trundled off to the supermarket to buy myself a few birthday treats. I pulled a trolley out from the stack and suddenly felt completely different from usual. Was this anything to do with a metabolic change or gene change because of my new age? I think it might have been.

The first thing I did was deliberately block an aisle so no one could get by. I noticed this was being done by others who were obviously 70-plus as well. Then I deliberately bumped into other trolleys and muttered swear words under my breath at anyone who blocked my trolley’s path. I even found myself taking things off the shelves, examining them, and returning them to completely different shelves. It was such fun!

I felt a bout of wind coming on and instead of trying to disguise it with a cough, I let rip at the loudest volume possible and with the most number of people in earshot. Again I noticed other people of a similar age doing exactly the same thing. It was like belonging to a new club; there was a definite sense of camaraderie.

But the crowning glory came at the checkout. There were quite a few people already lined up so I pushed my way to the front.

“I’m in a real hurry,” I said. “Do you mind if I push in?”

The lady at the checkout till looked up at me and said, “Hello, Rick! Normally I’d say ‘get back in line’ but I heard on the radio this morning that you’re 70 today, so now you’re that age, it’s perfectly acceptable to do such things. Feel free to push in when joining any queue, whether it’s for the theatre, the cinema, the bus, the train… whenever you like!”

As she rang my items through, the entire supermarket queue chanted, “Happy 70th, Rick!”

As if I could forget. I’d like to say that I mustn’t grumble, but I’d only be kidding myself…

“I don’t want any breakfast. I’m old.”