A SPORTING CHANCE

Rick wonders if it’s time to call in video referees at prog concerts.

I love sport and I love technology, but the introduction of VAR, aka video assistant referee, in football has wrecked the Premier League for me. I can no longer watch live matches on TV, as this kind of intervention spoils the flow of the game. It takes away the controversy, which in turn takes away all the immediacy. However, it has got me thinking: should we have VAR at prog concerts? It could put a lot of band arguments to bed.

Here’s an entirely fictional example: it’s the opening night of the Amazing Five’s new tour. Halfway through the first number, something goes wrong and the song collapses into a mess of notes. The band stomp off stage and a massive argument kicks off in the dressing room.

Bassist Tom turns to drummer Phil and says: “You wanker! You missed a whole bar out of that first song. You made me lose my train of thought and I couldn’t work out what I was supposed to be playing.”

With his hands on his hips, Phil replies: “You haven’t played that song right since we recorded it 11 years ago! You just bluff your way through everything, so you’re a bigger wanker than me!”

Guitarist Bert enters the conversation: “You were both playing it wrong, you pair of wankers. That mess was caused by a bad cue from you, Phil, and a fistful of wrong notes from you, Tom. It’s just so typical.”

Then singer Rod joins in: “Actually, I think it was Rock who was in the wrong. Our keyboard player was playing the wrong chords and that set everybody off in different directions.”

Manager Harvey Lane takes over with the perfect solution: “Guys! We can solve this with VAR. The audience are getting restless and they’re waiting for the show to continue.”

The band and their manager walk over to the VAR room, where assistant cock-up referee Simon Knowall plays back the film.

“It’s pretty clear to me,” he begins,“that apart from the fact that you’re all piss-poor musicians, the main collapse of the piece was down to the singer. In my opinion, he should be sent off for crimes against music as well as fashion.”

“I agree,” says Bert. “I can sing better than Rod anyway. Let’s finish the show as a four-piece and I’ll do the singing. But I’ll want more money than the rest of you.”

Phil punches Bert on the nose and the bassist is carried out of the venue on a stretcher.

“We’ve got that on film too,” says Simon Knowall, “so it’s an early bath for you, Phil.”

Eventually there’s calm and Harvey Lane walks on stage to address the audience.“Ladies and gentlemen, after a VAR review, please put your hands together for The Amazing Two!”

“Is that our new name, then?” asks Rock.

“Yes,” says Harvey.

“Oh, that’s a much better name,” says Tom. “Let’s call ourselves Yes.”

“You can’t,” says Harvey, “there are already too many bands out there with that name.”

Tom punches Harvey on the nose, and Rock decides it’s time to launch his solo career.

On second thoughts, maybe having VAR at prog shows isn’t such a good idea after all!

“You haven’t played that song right since we recorded it 11 years ago!”