Will polyamory fulfil me or ruin my marriage?
I’m in my mid-30s, have been with my husband for 20 years and we have two young children. After being a mother and wife for all this time, I feel I’ve lost myself. The other day, I heard a story on the radio and thought ‘I want to kiss a woman’. I’ve had fantasies about women for years, but never wanted to act on them. I had such a visceral reaction, I told my husband, who was supportive and said he’d be fine if I explored polyamory. I am not sure if that’s what I meant, and I’m scared. Am I really going to risk the happiness of my family and my close relationship with my husband for a fantasy? When I’m living my normal daily life, it feels as if I dreamed the whole thing. Can you advise me? Name supplied
AI encourage you to explore the space between daily life and your fantasy, rather than rush to any conclusion. It sounds as if you’d like the uncomfortable feelings to go away as quickly as possible, but it won’t hurt to take your time in this talking stage, which is a place of safety.
I spoke to Silva Neves, who specialises in sexual and relationship therapy. He says it’s common to experience a conflict between the neat and tidy life that society views as successful, and what the erotic self wants. He talked about a concept of ‘monogam-ish’, where you might agree to be mostly monogamous, but have a few times in the year where the boundaries are suspended. The key to this would be to make every element explicit and agreed with your husband. Each step needs to be discussed and feel right for him as well. You might agree to join an online site, for example, or go to a networking event before you even talk about having a first kiss. At each stage, talk again – how do you both feel? What might you want to do next?
All of this needs to be crystal clear, with no grey areas, to make sure there is nothing that either of you feels is a betrayal. Is there some element of his own sexuality that your husband may also want to explore? Might he, for instance, want to watch you kiss another woman? Would you also want that? The biggest possible risk is to make assumptions, rather than talking through the details.
A lot of people experience their sexuality in terms of a spectrum, rather than a division into heterosexual, gay or bisexual. And these feelings can emerge or change at any stage in our lives. It’s possible that the discussion alone will have a powerful effect on your relationship with your husband.
If you can take your time and keep the emphasis on fun for both of you, it could be that the dream is closer but also different from what you initially think. There is a lot of room to be creative between monogamy and polyamory.
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