“My in-laws are no support during my cancer treatment”

I have breast cancer and am having a mastectomy. The outpouring of kindness and love has been immense, yet I am upset that my in-laws have never demonstrated this to me. The response when I told them was ‘so-and-so had breast cancer and was fine’. They’ve not offered any help. I keep telling myself that they aren’t bad people, they love their son and adore their grandchildren, which is amazing. Yet I still feel resentful. What should I do? Name supplied

AI admire that you have any aspiration beyond just getting through this tough time. One of the most effective tools I have found for this type of mindset shift is self-compassion. You might think it sounds wishy-washy but, a year ago, I did a free 10-day online meditation programme called ‘Free yourself from blame and resentment’, and I still notice the benefits in my life.

It’s devised by Tara Brach, who combines western psychology with Buddhist teaching, and uses the acronym RAIN for self-compassion. When you experience a difficult emotion: Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. It’s clear you have already taken the first step.

Brach talks about the temptation of premature forgiveness, which can happen if we get into a kind of arm-wrestling with our own emotions and try to defeat them by force. The challenge is: can you acknowledge the difficult feelings about your in-laws, without adding an extra layer of judgment? Could you investigate with kindness and curiosity – what do you believe this reaction of theirs is saying, if you could put it into words? The nurture stage is identifying exactly where the hurt is, and taking care of that part of yourself.

In Brach’s words ‘you can only be willing – and by that I mean have the intention – to let go of blame. If you do, that opens the door enough for the whole process to unfold’.

It sounds as if your journey is already well under way, with both recognition and willingness in place.

tarabrach.com