“I don’t want to see my aunt because of her scary outbursts”

I care about my aunt, we email regularly and she can be kind and supportive. She likes to meet up a few times a year, but I find our meetings disturbing because she often cries or gets angry with me. The truth is that I don’t want to see her any more. How should I tell her? Name supplied

ATo me, this comes under the heading of setting boundaries. This is the art of defining a limit, a bit like deciding whether you will open the front door to a particular visitor. It’s normal to have different rules for different people, and I’d be interested to know about areas of your life in which you find it easier to draw the line. For instance, if a colleague made you feel sick or frightened, what would you do? Is there a family member or friend who could help you work out what you want from the relationship with your aunt? The resources I mention about self-compassion (above) are relevant here also: a relationship is not just about pleasing others, you are allowed to have your needs met too.

The challenge is to make your point both gentle and clear, for example: ‘I know you get upset sometimes, but I don’t want to be shouted at.’ The underlying message is belief in your aunt’s ability to change. One scenario would be to meet in a public place or cafe, explain ahead of time that you will leave if you start to feel uncomfortable, and be prepared to do that. Have a support system in place with a friend who reminds you that, while you are a kind person, you have a responsibility to your own emotional wellbeing.

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