“My children love me being at home but I’m unhappy ”

Kim Morgan “I feel guilty for wanting to be away from my children and get back to the office”

Session one

When Cat* booked some coaching sessions, she asked for a safe, guilt-free space in which she could talk about being a working parent. She had always wanted to be a professional person and was on the board of a successful not-for-profit organisation. ‘It was all going so well,’ she said. ‘I hadn’t even contemplated the idea of marriage and children and then everything happened suddenly. I met someone, fell in love and, before I knew it, I was married with two kids… but I have always worked full-time and been a better parent because of it.’

Cat seemed confident about her choices, so I wondered why she had asked me to provide a ‘guilt-free’ environment. ‘I had never succumbed to the guilt of being a full-time working mother until now. I was unaffected by my friends’ attitudes towards my life, social media posts and other external pressures – until lockdown. Then I worked from home and I realised that the children were much happier. They enjoyed me being around and having my attention. I hadn’t expected that.’

I asked Cat if she was re-evaluating the balance between work and home life.

‘No! That’s the problem. Although the children are thriving, I’m not. I can’t wait to get back to work and get away from them and, for the first time, I feel guilty about that.’

Cat looked anguished. I left her with a question to consider before our next session: ‘What are the reasons you want to get back to work? Is the main reason to escape your children or are there other reasons that you want to be at work?’

Session two

Cat realised that she wasn’t motivated by moving away from her children, but by moving towards her work and all that it gave her. I asked her what that was. ‘Intellectual stimulation, a sense of status…’ She thought about it and the list got longer. ‘Purpose, fun, a social life with likeminded people, learning opportunities…’ Cat was energised just talking about her work, then she slumped and looked disheartened. ‘Am I being selfish? Is it all about me?’ she asked.

I encouraged her to imagine two scenarios – one in which she works from home full-time for the next two years and another where she goes back to work in her city office. Cat described the impact of those two scenarios and became distressed at the thought of working from home for two years. ‘I would let myself go – I can picture myself living in jogging bottoms. I would suffer and so would the children. Work nourishes me and enables me to be a better parent.’

As Cat considered the second option – being in the office full-time, she came up with a third: ‘Of course, I could mix and match… work three days a week in the office and two at home. Other people are doing it but, to me, that feels like such a compromise. The worst of both worlds.’

I invited her to let the ideas percolate until our next session.

Guilt can lead to stress and a feeling of powerlessness as we beat ourselves up and judge ourselves

Session three

Cat told me that she had decided to settle for the third option – working part-time at home and part-time in the office, for now at least. She had talked about this choice as a compromise when we met before, and I wanted to check that she wasn’t simply assuaging her guilt or saying what she thought I wanted to hear. I asked her one of my favourite coaching questions: ‘Is this choice coming from wisdom, courage and desire or from fear, doubt and guilt?’

Cat was adamant. ‘It’s not about guilt, fear or doubt, it’s genuinely what I want. I know I was lukewarm about it before, but now it feels like a solution and less of a compromise.’

‘Are you sure?’ I asked one last time.

‘What’s not to like? Fewer train journeys and having more time with my kids…’ She smiled and winked at me. ‘But not too much.’

Cat wasn’t a woman to be argued with. I was convinced!

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