How to f lourish in dark times

You can find strength in awful periods and use challenges to transform your life, says Malcolm Stern, who shares his wisdom and experience in his book,

Thriving in the face of deep instability is not easy, in fact it always demands a level of discomfort. There is no magic wand that will make our painful experiences vanish. At times, the path may be devastating and we may feel stuck and fear that happiness will never return. It’s important to understand that thriving isn’t about making life comfortable and fun, it’s about finding purpose and making our own unique contribution.

Born to cope

Evolution demands that we expand to become what we need to become when things fall apart. It is our challenge to find resilience and meaning in the tragedies and fears that confront us. In discovering ways of dealing with these events, we have the possibility of alchemising our experience and turning the base metal of pain into the gold of wisdom, understanding enrichment and purpose.

In 2014, one of the worst things that could happen to anyone happened to me – my daughter, Melissa, took her own life. This tragedy forced me to examine my very existence. Often, the call to change will arrive in the form of external events – a critical illness, the loss of a job, relationship or even a child. I couldn’t carry on being who I was in the wake of her suicide.

Years later, I am able to say that this terrible loss carried a hidden blessing: it made me examine myself with brutal honesty. I dared to go further into the darker aspects of life, the shadowlands, which house the capacity for healing. It enabled me to be of more value to my friends, family and clients in profound ways. It deepened both my commitment to ease suffering and my understanding that this was my life’s work.

Until we grow conscious of the patterns in our life, we’re like a pinball bouncing from experience to experience. If we dedicate ourselves to feeding our self-awareness, we can start making wise choices that no longer render us a victim of circumstance. Here, I share a series of accessible practices that allow us to slay our dragons and build emotional musculature, so that when the inevitable storms blow across our path, we have a toolkit that we are able to seamlessly bring into play.

We cannot fix anyone and, even when we love someone and want them to be happy, we still can’t make everything OK. The process of change is slow and evolutionary – there isn’t a magic solution for every situation, but if we are willing and able to bear witness with authenticity and integrity, then we bring the best we can to every scenario that arises in life.

Next time you find yourself with someone who is unhappy or angry, practise bearing witness to them. Don’t judge or try to find solutions. Rather than sympathise, notice what is happening inside you as you listen. Often, when we feel disturbed, our breathing quickens and, in slowing it down, we give ourselves an extra resource.

Let yourself connect with your bodily sensations as you continue relating. Become aware of your breathing and your ability to maintain eye contact. In holding the gaze of another, you are reassuring them that what they are saying isn’t overwhelming. In this practice, you will discover a deep capacity and interest in others. As with any practice, there are no quick

Exercise: Bear witness