It started with a kiss…
Infinite possibility is a heady rush to be treasured at the start of a new relationship, says Harriet Minter, but never lose sight of who you are
The best moment of a new relationship is the second before you kiss for the first time. You’re face to face, close enough for it to be almost certain, but far enough away for it not to be a done deal – and there’s a concoction of excitement, lust and hope rushing through your body. I know there are other great moments – I keep a record for my dotage when I’ve read every Jilly Cooper novel one too many times – but the first kiss remains my top one. In that moment, you know so little about each other and have so little invested that it’s free to be as good, bad or average as it likes.
The way you make me feel
After that, it’s a minefield! When do you message? What do you say? At what point do you show them the weird stuff about you that could have them running for the hills? And how do you find out their weird stuff before you’re completely invested and trundling around fields every weekend dressed as a Viking because they love it?
Twenty years of first dates, last dates and everything in between has given me a few guidelines on managing those early days, when the stakes seem high but the knowledge of each other is low. Here’s what I’ve learned:
For the first six months, almost nothing is about you, which seems contradictory as it’s you they are dating. The reality is that you may be their perfect partner, but if the timing is off, it won’t work. So, spend less time worrying about what they think of you and more time studying how they make you feel. Do they trigger feelings of insecurity or fear? If so, is that about them or you? Relationships are a chance to learn about ourselves and grow with another person, not a contest to see if you can make someone love you.
The stuff that made you happy as a single person is now the most important thing in your life. At the start of a relationship, it’s easy to throw away the things that make you feel good, but you’re going to regret it if the romance doesn’t pan out. All that stuff is what makes you who you are – own it, be proud of it and give it space.
There is no right amount of time to spend together. If you’re coming into a relationship from a place of happiness, you’ll find a balance. If you’re coming from a place of need or insecurity, you’re almost certainly going to get it wrong. Relax. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
Finally, people are not perfect. They will disagree with you, tell you horrifying stories from their past, order bizarre pizza toppings and generally not be the person you believed them to be in that moment before your first kiss. But if they’re kind, make you laugh and you feel as peaceful watching TV with them as you do lying on your yoga mat at the end of a class, they are worth your time.