“I want to enjoy Christmas, but I can’t wait for it to be over”

I find Christmas emotional and difficult, and I don’t know why. When my parents were alive, I detested Christmas. We weren’t close and they expected me to visit every year, but I felt trapped and miserable. These days, I spend the day with my husband, which is what I always wanted, yet I still feel unhappy and weepy or empty and bleak, and want to get back to work. To be honest, I am dreading it. Can you help me get over this? Name supplied

AOne simple but powerful tool is to introduce the word ‘yet’ into your thinking. Let’s say your aim is a happy Christmas Day. It did not work with your parents, nor with your husband… yet. The second case might be because you haven’t fully understood the first, and at some point it would be worthwhile to explore the underlying emotions about your parents with a therapist.

For now, focus on the opposite of dread: hope. The following suggestions are based on academic research about how to create hope. It’s about having both the will and the way to achieve your goal. Your first goal could be to find different ways to devise your own ‘not Christmas Day’.

Here are my ideas: create a collage that represents all the feelings you would like to have about Christmas (the images will give you further ideas); volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen; connect with a community that doesn’t celebrate Christmas; plan a long walk with food and clothes for all possible contingencies; and ask your friends for their input.

As psychologist Jon Allen says ‘the antithesis of hope is feeling invisible and psychologically alone’. Your mission is to realise your alternative Christmas and connect with others.

apa.org/monitor/2013/10/mission-impossible