What do you really want?
‘I often ask my clients two questions. ‘What do you want, and what do you really want?’ says Kennedy. ‘Those are often two different things. To the first, you may reply: “I want to go for dinner with my friends.” What do you really want? “I want meaningful connection.”’
Uncovering the answers to this can take a bit of digging. A helpful tool is to create a hope collage, like a vision board but with a more internal focus. The concept was designed by psychologist Shane Lopez. If you focus on what you’re hoping for, what comes up tends to be more expansive and altruistic than the designer kitchen often spotted on vision boards. Hope tends to encompass the lives of our loved ones and our hopes for the world, rather than self-interest alone.
‘Start with the superficial, then go deeper,’ suggests Kennedy. ‘The key thing is to focus on your heart’s deepest desires, as opposed to goals that you think you should pursue.
‘Then develop strategies to achieve the goals that will make the hope a reality. What do you want? What is the goal? What strategy will get you there? What are the obstacles? What action can turn your hopes into reality?’
When I tried this, I made an interesting discovery. I started with ‘I want trips and adventure’ but, as I gathered images for the collage and contemplated the question ‘What do I really want’, the answer was that I wanted to spend time in nature with people I love. help and then, behind the scenes, make up stories about how X never helps with Y. The result is resentment, which is tiring. It’s easier to ask: “Would you book the restaurant; fold the washing; take the car to the garage?”’
You can also declutter limiting habits. Kennedy suggests doing an audit of the first and last hour of the day, the most important to upgrade. ‘Do you start the day by switching on the news and chugging coffee? What might work better – drinking water and going for a walk? Maybe, at the end of every day, you pour a glass of wine and watch TV. Does that sequence work for you or could you listen to a podcast, take a shower and meditate before sleep?’
“If you focus on what you’re hoping for, what comes up is more expansive and altruistic than the designer kitchen spotted on vision boards