‘‘My friendships are one-sided and I am lonely

I’m single, have no children and I’ve never had a long-term, fulfilling relationship. I have a job that I enjoy, a loving family and close friends. However, as time goes by, I feel that my friends mean more to me than I do to them because I’m always the one who keeps in touch. They’ve made life choices that I haven’t and I’m happy for them. I have never been envious of what they have, but it still hurts that I’m the one making all the effort. I don’t feel as if I can talk to my friends about this, despite knowing that I could speak to them about anything else. I’ve tried to rationalise it by telling myself that they just have busier lives than me, but I often feel lonely. What should I do? Name supplied

AThank you for being courageous enough to name your loneliness. There can be a lot of stigma attached to saying it out loud, but the irony is that every human being knows the feeling.

Your question led me to a podcast of researcher and author Brené Brown talking to US surgeon general Vivek Murthy about this very topic. Murthy became interested in the subject after he was struck by how often patients faced huge, life-altering decisions alone.

He describes three types of loneliness. Emotional loneliness is the need for someone with whom you can share your deepest feelings; social loneliness is the need for quality friendships; and collective loneliness is wanting to feel part of something bigger – a group that shares your purpose.

It sounds as if you have the middle one but could expand your horizons on the first and third. It might feel easier to start with the bigger picture because it will bring you a slightly different social group – and a common interest is also a great basis for a romantic relationship.

Even a solitary pastime, such as reading, meditation or running, will have support groups, likely to be accessible from your home. Just as effective, in a different way, is giving time to others in a cause that you care about. Volunteering is not only excellent for your mental health, but it is something to talk about with new people.

In all this, the aim is to share not only laughter but your burdens: You might begin by journalling, exploring what you are keeping secret even from yourself. You could also speak to someone, or a therapist, at least initially. But, most of all, it’s about getting slightly more comfortable with the vulnerability that Brown has developed her life’s work around. Imagine the relief of true connection – isn’t that worth taking some small risks for?

brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-vivek-murthy -and-brene-on-loneliness-and-connection