“My daughter’s boyfriend treats our home like a hotel”

Over the past year, my daughter’s boyfriend has stayed in our home, and I’ve got a different perspective on him. He doesn’t offer any help, in fact, I feel as though his attitude is that he’s checking in to a comfortable hotel. We have made him very welcome, but it’s become almost rude and I feel resentful. I think they will move in together, so should I bite my tongue, or is it better to address it sensitively with her? Name supplied

AYes, address it, but not just with your daughter. If they are a couple on the verge of moving in together, you will be doing them both a favour by talking openly about the reality of running a house.

If you keep doing everything around the home, your resentment will seep out, even if you believe it isn’t, and it is not what your daughter needs to see as her future role.

All advice about sharing household chores starts with agreeing on a list of the jobs that are currently being done. You could start the list, and ask everyone to add the tasks they complete, no matter how small. The mindset is thinking of yourselves as housemates, because you are.

Brigid Schulte, director of the Us-based Better Life Lab, says ‘rescuing someone from their responsibility can contribute to a phenomenon called learned helplessness’, which might be what you’ve accidentally created for these two young people.

It’s important to agree on exactly what a job means – does cleaning the bathroom mean a quick wipe of surfaces, or scrubbing the loo? And there might be areas where you need to be flexible about your standards (what needs ironing?). Your aim is to shift the conversation to a collaborative one of ‘how do we want to live together?’ – and most of us want to live without resentment, our own or other people’s.

newamerica.org/better-life-lab/better-life-labexperiments/bllx-blogs/keeping-fairnessmission-home-track-during-pandemic