The art of self-love

Dulcie Ball was burned out and struggling with an eating disorder when she started drawing self-portraits and learned to see herself – and life – in a different way

People don’t think twice about taking a selfie, but drawing one? Now there’s a challenge. Many of us know that creativity can help us through difficult times but, when it comes to drawing, we tend to look outward for inspiration. We draw things that interest or comfort us – animals, leaves, patterns and other people. Given how we idolise Frida Kahlo, it seems strange that we overlook the healing powers of self-portraiture that she harnessed so brilliantly.

It’s easy to understand why self-portraiture isn’t as popular as colouring-in books (yet) – it takes time, and guts. It can be uncomfortable to sit with yourself, look in the mirror and meditate on what you see. If you struggle with low self-esteem and lack creative confidence, the last thing you might feel like drawing is yourself. But, if you can push past the initial fear, a revelation awaits. I believe – in fact I know – that self-portraiture is a fun and powerful form of self-care that everyone can access and enjoy.

The self-acceptance collection

I have drawn more than 500 self-portraits over the past two years, and it has transformed the way I see and feel about myself. It has empowered me to the point where I can say, hand on heart, that I love myself. I may never love how I look but, by exploring myself through art, I have come to love who I am. I say this now but, rewind a few years, and I didn’t even know the meaning of the term self-love. Self-discipline, self-punishment and self-sabotage, perhaps.

In spring 2014, I had reached a critical point in my third relapse into anorexia – a battle that began when I was 20. I was working full-time in marketing and spent most of my time and energy counting calories, working and pretending to cope. My imposter syndrome was sky-high and just getting through the day required a huge emotional and physical effort. I wasn’t living my life, I was surviving it.

Existence in shadow

I had tried several forms of therapy and mindfulness, but these had little impact on my wellbeing. I received a year of fortnightly psychotherapy sessions through the NHS, which gave me a chance to vocalise some of what I was feeling but, after 15 years, anorexia had such a tight grip on me that it was easy to squash my emotions back down once I left the building.

I remember feeling hopeless – that I had nothing to get well for in life. I loved my friends, and I had fun when I had the enthusiasm for it but, when I got home, I had nothing left for myself. I did everything possible to avoid spending time alone with my thoughts, and instead spent as much time exercising, socialising and working as I could. There was little room for romantic love – and zero time for self-love.

Then, one day, I saw a listing for a James Bondthemed life-drawing class. I convinced a friend to join me and we went along, not expecting much – but it turned out to be one of the most important nights of

my life. I remember the instant freedom when I started drawing – the relief, release and excitement while doing something creative. It was bliss – the first time I’d been out of my head and in a state of flow for years. It all came back to me – the fun of creating and drawing that I’d enjoyed so much throughout my childhood and school days. I was hooked. I started drawing every day, and I haven’t stopped!

Daily drawing had such a transformative effect that I started running social sketching events to share my passion with others. As their popularity grew, so did my confidence and belief – belief in myself, and in the therapeutic powers of drawing. Eventually, I founded Sketch Appeal – a community interest company whose core mission is to unlock the mental health benefits of drawing.

Look myself in the eye

I was well on my way towards living a calm, conscious and healthy life. Drawing had changed my lifestyle and mindset, but it wasn’t until I started drawing self-portraits that I came to truly understand, accept and love myself.

It all started with a self-love sketching workshop that I decided to run after people requested it. I was uncomfortable with the idea of drawing myself, scared of my own reflection and of feeling or seeming self-indulgent. We were a group of 20 – all curious but by no means confident to talk about self-love and all that it meant.

Floodgates of affection

We made zines and drew a series of self-portraits – nothing too complicated or deep, and yet the event felt powerful and profound. Collectively, we had dared to share some of the things we love about ourselves in a public space – it felt cathartic and comforting to know that other people struggled with this stuff too. I was so inspired that I started a project to draw a mini self-portrait every day for 100 days.

At first, I felt self-conscious and a bit silly, sitting on my bed drawing selfies but, the more I did, the more comfortable I felt, and the more excited I became by the limitless possibilities of self-portraiture. Expressions, styles, angles, colours, mediums… there are so many ways you can interpret and play around with your own image, and there is something incredibly empowering and self-nourishing about being both muse and artist, and immortalising yourself in a piece of art.

I spent so many years running away from myself, avoiding the mirror and hating my face, but drawing it over

and over has helped me break through that fear, be at ease with how I look and feel a deep sense of love and connection with who I am deep down. It has nurtured both my confidence and creativity, and helped me fully unravel, understand and celebrate my true self.

This is me

I have learned to ‘a-muse’ myself and create a catalogue of artworks that make me smile; to capture my self-deprecating and childish side in a way that heals me. They are playful, colourful and imperfect – they are me. Drawing self-portraits has helped me get well physically and emotionally and transformed my self-esteem. Try it – it could do the same for you.

Dulcie Ball’s book, ‘Sketch Appeal: The Art Of Self-love’ (Hardie Grant, £12.99) is available to buy on Amazon and through the Sketch Appeal website. She hosts a regular programme of social sketching events and creative wellbeing workshops online Visit the Sketch Appeal website to find out more at sketchappeal.co.uk Follow @sketchappeal on Instagram