“I don’t know how to handle my housemate’s moodiness”

I live with two other people – one I barely see and the other is quite unpleasant. It’s not so much what she says, but her tone and manner. She can be short with me and then, a few hours later, she can be friendly and nice again. The change can be abrupt. I’ve told her that it upsets me and asked if I have done anything wrong, but she said no. How can I stop this making me so upset and angry? Name supplied

AThis situation sounds tough to handle – when the world outside is disrupted and uncertain, it’s difficult to deal with domestic unpredictability as well.

It’s worth trying to raise the subject with her again, using a slightly different approach called the situation-behaviour-impact method from the Us-based Center for Creative Leadership. It’s based on the fact that the only way to let a person know the impact they have is to tell them, and the only way to know what they mean is to ask.

The three steps are: capture and clarify the situation; describe the specific behaviour observed; and explain the impact that the person’s behaviour had on you. For instance: ‘Earlier today, you spoke quite abruptly, and now you seem happier. I’m finding it difficult to know what is related to me, and I feel unsettled.’

If you are able to ask without an edge, you might add: ‘What was going on for you?’ It’s useful if you can be specific, but brief, and raise it as soon as you are feeling calmer after the event.

To manage your own feelings, have a look at Harvard psychologist Susan David’s work on emotional agility. One of her points is to identify your core values and act accordingly. So, if you value reliability, you might choose to be consistent no matter what your flatmate says or does; if you like a challenge, you could experiment with different approaches. Having a sense of what matters to you on a deeper level will help next time you choose who to live with.

susandavid.com/quiz