“I feel unwanted and shaky at work after furlough ”

Kim Morgan, “I have lost faith in my ability and feel as if I did something wrong” Open up and process

Session one

Heidi* had returned to her job after being furloughed for months and was struggling. ‘I am not the same person at work any more, I’ve lost my confidence,’ she said. ‘Before furlough, I felt like an important part of the team, but so much has changed since I’ve been away and I keep second-guessing myself. I’m trying not to sound like the new girl but I am out of the loop and need to ask questions. I feel insignificant and dispensable.’

I could see that Heidi was hurt and needed to be listened to without interruption in a safe space.

‘I don’t know why I was put on furlough when others weren’t,’ she added. ‘What is wrong with me and my work? It has made me feel insecure. I was worried all the time whether I would get my job back, along with all the other stresses of lockdown. I know I should feel grateful that I have a job, when many other people in the country have lost theirs, but…’ Heidi started to cry.

I said that sounded like an important ‘but’ and asked Heidi to concentrate on how she was feeling, not how she thought she should be feeling.

I talked to Heidi about the importance of feeling psychologically safe in groups. ‘If we feel that we don’t belong or that we are being excluded, it causes us emotional pain and grief. Three fundamental human needs are affected when we are rejected: to feel that we are significant, capable and likeable.’

I asked Heidi to keep a journal of her thoughts and feelings until our next session.

Heidi said it was a relief to have her feelings taken seriously. She had been beating herself up for being ungrateful now that she had her job back.

‘I have realised what a big thing furlough was. It was like a relationship break-up – being rejected and not knowing what you did wrong, and not feeling lovable or good enough,’ she said. She told me that when she was writing in her journal, she had made an important connection. ‘When I was young, my fiance broke up with me with no explanation. Then, months later, he got in touch and we got back together briefly, but then he did it again. It was agonising. I think being furloughed and coming back has triggered those memories and insecurities,’ she said. ‘I keep thinking they might furlough me again.’ Heidi and I talked about dealing with grief and loss. I reminded her that losses and the feelings associated with them need to be acknowledged. We need to process the pain we are feeling, learn to adjust to the change and move forward, while facing the reality of what has been lost.

I congratulated Heidi for her courage ‘Most of us put on a brave face and tell ourselves that it could have been worse or that we are lucky to be where we are, but acknowledging our feelings is part of moving on,’ I told her.

“Find support from people who will listen without trying to rescue you or offer platitudes

More sessions

After our last session, Heidi had found the courage to speak to her manager about how she was feeling. ‘It shocked me that my boss hadn’t even thought it might be difficult for those of us on furlough,’ said Heidi. ‘She was just trying to keep the business afloat.’

As a result of Heidi speaking up, her manager organised a team meeting to discuss what had happened. ‘We all shared our feelings honestly. It turns out that people who weren’t on furlough were resentful of those of us who were – and vice versa. It has helped cleared the air, and I feel so much better now that I know other furloughed staff felt the same as me.’

I asked Heidi what she had learned. ‘Feelings are there for a reason and it is best to acknowledge them. We are not as evolved as we think we are. We are just like chimpanzees who fear getting thrown out of the troop!’

For more from Kim,

see barefootcoaching.co.uk; @Barefootcoaches