How to make that big decision
enough’ – creating external obstacles to doing the things we want. ‘We always look outwards for things that get in the way,’ says Garbutt. ‘We want it to be an outer obstacle that seems intractable, rather than look inwards. We don’t like to acknowledge the inner dynamics that influence our decisions.’
This is a revelation. For the first time, I step out of my cons list and look at the root of my fears, instead of the fear itself. My concerns around financial security originate from a fear of being alone and unsupported. It’s not money, another life experience, nor a step up the career ladder that I need to feel secure – it’s being able to fully trust my support system.
When I need somebody
There is vulnerability in becoming a mother, or taking any big leap – there will inevitably be a few months when a new mother needs to step away from work and depend on others for physical, practical and emotional help.
‘Becoming a mother will challenge independence at certain points,’ says Garbutt. ‘Having a baby requires support, as well as letting go of personal freedom. But you can prepare yourself so that if or when you do decide to go for it, things are in place before the baby is born. Make sure you’ve got the self-care and support you need, because you’re only as strong as the support and self-care you have.’
I pluck up the courage to talk to my husband and share my realisation that my childhood experiences bred a fear
Am I making this decision from the adult part of me?
Am I making or not making this choice to please somebody else?
What will be the consequences if I choose or don’t choose this – for me and for other people? of leaning on others. ‘I know,’ he says readily, ‘you find it hard to ask for help.’
We had never had the serious talk about babies before. I felt I needed to figure out how I felt about it on my own first. But it’s not a one-sided decision. I tell him how my fears have clouded my ability to see whether I want a baby or not. ‘You don’t have to worry,’ he says. ‘Trust me.’ And there it is: trust. The pathway to hope and the enemy of fear.
I am not an island
This is a decision my husband and I must make together, and to think that I had to make it alone is another example of how I felt I could only rely on myself. Relinquishing that concept is the start of me breaking free from the knotted roots of my fear, and starting to truly trust another person.
Looking inwards has also helped me understand what kind of mother I want to be. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to be brave and mindful. I want to have cleared out my emotional cupboards, so I don’t pass my fears onto my child. I choose hope!
At last, I realise: I do want a baby. The ‘when’ is for us yet to decide, but the ‘if’ has been answered.
Accessing the physical feeling of fear in my gut takes me back to my school days, excluded and hiding from my bullies in a toilet cubicle. I cry. It’s a powerful practice
heathergarbutt.com
What am I hoping for in choosing or not choosing this?
What am I afraid of in choosing or not choosing this?
When have I felt this fear before, and what was going on?
How old was I when I felt afraid like this?
From having a child to moving to another country, psychotherapist and counsellor Heather Garbutt shares questions to ask yourself
When I was afraid before, what did part of me decide was true about me, others and the world?
Is the inner, fearful part of me driving my life now?
Do I need help to make this decision for my life?
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