Notice how parts of you interact

The cast of characters in your mind aim to protect you from anguish, but they can result in self-sabotage if you do not recognise them at work, and learn to communicate with them

family therapy and focuses on the relationships individual parts have with each other. To understand ourselves, it is not enough to delve into one part in isolation. Parts bicker about the best way to serve us. They collude and gang up on each other. As I thought back to the job interview, I could see my lying part, however misguided, had been well-intentioned as it raced to the aid of a weary self.

The characters that make up your inner family are unique to you. The first step is to identify how your parts interact, and it starts with ‘exiles’ and ‘protectors’.

Exiles carry our emotional burdens.

They store memories of when we were rejected, humiliated, frightened or abandoned, real or perceived. Thanks to early injuries, protective parts fear we will be wounded again, so we exile vulnerable parts to keep them safe. We present an outward image that hides parts of us that feel needy or unworthy. In exiling our youngest, vulnerable selves, we don’t just push away painful feelings, which are linked to child-like beliefs, we lose tender aspects, such as the ability to be playful, and our readiness to rely on others.

In other forms of therapy, these parts are known as defence mechanisms. IFS categorises two types of protectors. We have managers that try to prevent us from getting hurt and firefighters that swoop in when it’s too late. To avoid painful feelings, protectors manage our behaviour. In this category, we find the most infamous of parts, the inner critic, which bullies us to ‘look good’ or ‘act correctly’. Other common managers include:

If there are inner critics that belittle you to avoid taking risks, there are also those that yell at you to do better. This encouragement is often negative and goads us like a sports coach. Some people possess more of a cheerleader but, irrespective of tone, the motivational message remains the same: you can and must do it, whether it’s pass a test, give a speech or smile at your ex.

Common in women, this manager puts the needs of others above your own.

Some managers push you to do something, others pull you away – either from other people (lest you become dependent) or from uncomfortable emotions. Here lies procrastination and the tendency to live in your head, intellectualising instead of feeling your feelings. If managers control and tend to be chronic, the second category of protectors are acute and chaotic. Impulsive by nature, Schwarz calls them firefighters. When the preventative measures fail, these more extreme parts leap into action. They might self-harm or binge on food, drugs, work and social media. Firefighters don’t care about collateral damage. Their job is to douse pain to stop extreme emotions from flooding your system. While they employ different strategies, managers and firefighters share the same goal: to protect us and keep exiles away.

“In exiling our young, vulnerable selves, we don’t just push away painful feelings, linked to child-like beliefs, we lose the ability to be playful

I followed the steps in ‘How to explore a family of parts’ (opposite). I found parts that pushed my inner martyr to keep dragging its load and agitators that believed I needed to go faster. They exhausted my system until a different manager suggested I head to the sofa and drink wine. How did I know when I was dealing with an exile or a protector? When I asked my parts why they do what they do. Mostly, we meet protectors. They stay at the fore keeping exiles out of harm’s way. The exile’s job is more passive. It clings to emotional burdens: feelings and beliefs we want to push away.

By the end of the exercise, I had mapped an alliance of parts committed to my urge to overwork. I could see my drive to achieve and compensate for a shaky sense of self-worth and financial insecurities. Staying busy kept feelings of emptiness at bay. I had to wonder whether this pattern cost me too much.

Select a part.

For example, one of the parts that needed to step back during the meditation on page 52.

Focus on this one part.

Spend time with it. Find it in your body.

Draw an image of the part.

It does not have to be a work of art, just illustrate the part in a way that means something to you.

Wait for a shift.

Focus inward again on the part you just drew. Another part will emerge. Be patient. Once another part appears, add its image to the page.

Repeat these steps:

focus on a part, wait for another part to appear, then draw it.

Stop when you

feel the cluster is done or you have three or more parts illustrated. These are members of your inner family.

Examine your piece of paper.

Ask yourself the following questions and accept whatever answers come to you: parts relate to each other? Do some protect others? Do some fight? Are there alliances? Make notes on your pictures to capture clues you see. about this cluster or internal dynamic?

this inner system, where might you start? What might this family of parts need from you to become more harmonious?