Recover and learn to self-parent

It started with a blatant lie during a job interview but, during her exploration of Ifs-based therapy, Nathalie Hourihan found a path out of panic, exhaustion and self-sabotage

my first brush with IFS, my career dilemma was resolved. The more I negotiated on travel, the less attractive I became as a candidate. Eventually, we agreed that I was not right for the job. One part of me was relieved. Another felt disappointed. A third woke me in the night worried about how I would survive. The episode pushed me to leave my employer of 20 years. I went freelance in the hopes of a more balanced life.

Back to the beginning

As I began to live a less frenzied existence, I fell prey to the feelings that busyness had suppressed. During the pandemic, IFS became an SOS intervention. As a household of one in Ireland, where lockdowns have been extensive, I often struggled not to burst into tears. When loved ones rang, I could barely speak. I felt strangled by emotion. As an overthinker, I was unused to crying. I felt embarrassed and selfish, and worried I would push people away.

One day, I went out for a walk and plugged into an IFS meditation. While I was afraid of the loneliness that I felt deep inside, when I asked what this pained part of me needed, the answer, once again, was simple and clear. It wanted permission to weep. It was exhausted by the choir of alarmed parts that flocked to my grief, the way they overanalysed the problem, screeching about how urgently I needed to fix it.

Forgive their trespasses

The next morning, my mother rang and I sobbed. Afterwards, I felt unrecognisably better – just as I had as a child. What many parts need is no more demanding than to be heard and comforted, to be valued instead of demonised. And, because parts operate as a family and not in isolation, a small adjustment with one part can benefit the whole system. It does not take years of self-analysis to see positive change.

Likewise, those initial reactions I had felt toward my oppressed part – disappointment, embarrassment, resentment and frustration – were the opinions of other, protective parts. As I mastered the step-back procedure outlined in ‘How to meet a part’ (page 52), I stopped berating these misunderstood beings that worked so hard to serve me. Soon, entrenched and seemingly mysterious behaviour began to relax and loosen its hold.

“Every time I got parts to step back, I noticed an innate healing presence. I gained access to something larger and wiser than all my selves

There she is

The secret to making lasting changes in my life was to make IFS a regular practice. Every time I succeeded in getting parts to step back, I noticed what Schwartz believes is an innate healing presence. I gained access to something larger and wiser than all my selves – what he calls the ‘Self’.

Eight qualities that describe our larger Self:

Calmness Curiosity Clarity Compassion Confidence Connectedness Creativity Courage

to eliminate parts or cultivate a Self-led state all the time, but to alleviate parts of extreme roles, so we treat ourselves and others fairly. We do this when we talk to our parts with kindness, notice their interactions and ask what they need. We heal and learn to self-parent, unburdening our parts of their child-like beliefs.

The more I talked to my parts and learned to wait for their answers, the faster I became at noticing patterns and dissolving difficult moments. I took solace in the fact that tricky thoughts or feelings were not all of me, just parts. While I have not traced the source of the despair I feared and felt, I can see it is not cured by frenetic activity. I learned that the darkness would not engulf me. I could sit with it. It was only a part.

‘No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma And Restoring Wholeness With The Internal Family Systems Model’ by Richard Schwartz it out July 2021 (Sounds True, £12.69). The audiobook ‘Greater Than The Sum Of Our Parts’ (Sounds True, £28), read by Schwartz, includes guided meditations. IFS is one of the fastest-growing forms of psychotherapy in the US. For more, visit Ifs-institute.com Visit ‘Psychologies’ on Facebook to watch ‘How to heal your inner world’ –Editor-in-chief Suzy Walker’s interview with Richard Schwartz

New things Relaxation

You most feel like yourself when:

You know you’ve been useful You’re well within your comfort zone

You’ve really connected with another person

You’re relaxing on your own

In a group, you tend to be the:

Outsider Organiser Diplomat Carer

What others think of you is:

Second to meeting your own standards

Hard to ignore

The source of your worries Never as bad as what you think of yourself

You react to uncertainty by:

Wondering how others are feeling Wondering how you messed up